Garytude

You have no idea.

2010-11-16T15:06:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine and I were talking about being sober and clean. I had no idea while I was in the midst of of my addition to see the clarity that I gained being sober and clean.

I'm not talking about not putting something in your body for a week or a month. I'm talking about really cleaning your system out and truly gaining a clear head. You really do have to let the fog rise and see with different eyes.

It's amazing for me to see how my moods, my judgment, my out look on life has really changed by not being colored by chemicals that don't belong in my system.

I hated work so I would wake up first thing in the morning and start smoking weed at 4:30 in the morning. I would then have coffee and a Xanax to prepare to go to the office. Once I was in the office my focus was to get out of there as quick as I could so I could smoke more weed. Because of the uncomfortable dynamics of the office I would pop another Xanax to alleviate the emotional pain that I was feeling. As I look back now I understand how much of the anxiety and pain I was feeling was generated by me. I also can see now that the environment I was in wasn't the healthiest either. I worked in a place that instead of truly dealing with their employees in a respectful professional way they choose to look the other way and ignore as much as possible because they didn't want to deal with the real issues at hand. To this day I hear most of the employees are very unhappy there. But I digress.

My life has changed so much for the better once I decided that a sober clean life really is the answer. I also had to acknowledge that there is something out there, bigger than myself. The world doesn't revolve around me. I do have a say in how I am going to live my life. I am no longer just letting life happen , I am participating in the decisions that affect my life. I am able to make good, sound decisions for myself. Yes, I still screw up, but I have learned to not take myself or anything too serious. To me that is the secret to a serene life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Drink, drugs, no thank you

2010-11-14T15:31:00.001-06:00

It has been an interesting week. It has been a week of looking at my self and others and comparing them to me. I like where I am and I want to stay on the path that I am on.

I am grateful to have the experience of seeing messy drunks and loving that I choose not to be that way. Not even one drink. I don't like how I feel during and after the experience.

I am grateful that when I run into the same homeless people I see on a daily basis that it reminds me that I was thinking that could be an option for me when I was in the peak of my drug and alcohol usage. I remember thinking all I would have to do was take off, disappear and no one would really care. Life would be that much more easier. It just goes to show how diluted my thinking became.

I am grateful when I see friends that use and think it's a normal way of life. It's funny how I could can get caught up into thinking that a little weed here, a few pills here a cocktail here is normal for everyday life. But I have learned it is not. I have come to realize how blurry my thinking was. How I always felt pity for me and I wanted everyone to feel the same for me. I was focused on me in a very wrong way. I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities as a parent. I wasn't taking responsibility in my job. I wasn't being the partner I needed to be. I wasn't focused on a higher power that I believed would work for me. I had expectations but they were for everyone else and how they should care and look at me. It was pour me. I lived for the pity party.

But today I have a very different view of me and my life. I try to be of service in someway to others. I do try to lead by example. I try to pick kindness over bitchiness. It doesn't always work, but it is in the forefront of my thinking. I chose to let people in that cut me off in traffic. I choose to help someone when it seems like they need help. I give money to people on the street that seem like they really need it. I am more aware of choosing kindness than I ever have been. And it pays me back in ways I never thought I would feel. It makes me feel good in my heart.

There is enough drugs or alcohol that can do that.

Have a great week.

Today

2010-11-07T18:10:00.001-06:00

I am not sure what to write about today, but I do know this.

I love my life,
I love my family,
I love my God,
I love how far I have come,
I love the surprise of the journey ahead of me.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

To write or not to write?

2010-10-29T10:15:00.001-05:00

I have been missing my blogging. I enjoy just writing what is on my mind and putting it out there not caring what kind of response I get. It is the pleasure of expressing myself without expectation. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the comments and knowing that my words help others relate in their own lives. But I like the fact that my verbiage comes from me first to help me and then a domino affect on readers who find they have the same experiences.

These last few months have been a big change for me. My job, my home, I stopped going to meetings, family issues have changed. But what I have noticed most is my spirituality has grown exponentially and so has my happiness. I have learned that I am able to handle what is dealt me. That I have no control except for what actions I take. How I deal with something and what emotions I decide to let loose all predict how my day will go.

I do know that my spirituality and my sobriety are my main priorities on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. It I keep those in check the rest of my life stays in check.

I still have that feeling that there is something big I am suppose to be doing with my life but I don't quite know what that is, or who knows, maybe I am doing it and don't know it?

So I continue on with my life spreading a smile and happiness as often as I can. I try to be aware of what I can do for others when I feel I should take action. I don't always think I need to take action but need to observe and take notice I pay attention to how I react to the moment and I try to start over if I am heading in the wrong direction. I have concluded in my life that I have the power in the day to control it and allow how good a day I will have.

Location:Portland St,Houston,United States

Time goes by

2010-10-09T20:54:00.001-05:00

I have to say that I haven't had a lot of down time. I start my mornings at around 5:30 am and I don't get to crawl into bed until midnight. I am not complaining. But it makes time fly so fast.

It's hard to believe we are pushing into the middle of October. The year just started the day before yesterday. I hate the thought of the holidays just around the corner. I can't believe that my baby is going to be 10 next month.

I digress. Since all the issues with my house it seems like I am going, running, doing every minute of the day. I have so much to take care of it seems that there is no end in sight. Working for my partner has made it that much more difficult to find down time.

But I have to say I am fortunate to have such high class problems. I have more than one roof over my head, I have food on my table and I want for nothing. I could use a little more sleep but I have a loving family, my spirituality and my sobriety.

I am fortunate to know that I can no longer do drugs and drink. I am lucky to be able to look at my family and know that I will not put them through that again. I do not like who I become. Neither do they.

I am so fortunate.

Settling in

2010-10-03T09:48:00.001-05:00

We finally moved into our apartment and what a nice relief that is. Living in a hotel for 6 weeks is nice at first but is a pain in the ass after a while. I missed my kitchen and cooking. Eating out at restaurants gets old real fast.

This year has been a major experience in change. Nothing is the same as it was a year ago and that is okay. My job is different, my home is different. The two major things that cause stress on your body have happened to me. This year has been learning to roll with whatever happens.

I am glad that I am not drugging and drinking. I can see if I was I would be a mean mess. I have learned that I can't ever go back to that life style again. If I did all my fears and negative qualities would become me. I have learned that being sober and clean for me allows me to realize the untruths I tell myself and stay away from them by acknowledging my negative thinking.

I have made a lot of changes in my life. I have changed routines in my life that left me frustrated. I am working on getting fit and finding new outlets. I am at a point where I have given up the thinking I can't and have focused on the I cans.

I am grateful for my life and all I experience.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

Happy Where I Am

2010-09-21T10:24:00.001-05:00

Today I can't ask to be more grateful for where I stand today. I have been sober and clean for just over 2 years. I feel in the last few months things have gotten where I understand myself better. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. That was a really big problem for me. Actually it wasn't about taking me seriously, but everything in my life seriously.

I think today I realize I have no real control of the things I worry about. I never stopped to recognize that everything, and I mean everything works out in the end. You can't stop it, because everything has an end.

So life is crazy and happy. We are moving into an apartment this weekend. We are going to have to gut our house and we are going to have a big lawsuit. I could look at all of this and say, "Where are we going to get the money to pay for another place." "How long could this go on?" "What if we don't win?"

But as I have recently learned to do is pretend I am on a roller coaster and throw my hands in the air. You can't jump off and you have to wait for the end.

I am thankful for my spirituality that is teaching me to get through life on a day to day basis. If I just take it moment to moment, step by step I know I can handle anything.

Location:MD Anderson Blvd,Houston,United States

The kindness of others

2010-09-15T15:33:00.001-05:00

As I rounded the corner of the block behind the hotel I am staying in, I saw a sight that gave me goosebumps. A policeman was down at eye level, speaking to, I assume, a homeless man. I was coming up from behind them. But it was so obvious to me that the policeman was being kind to that man. He was trying to help him. All the fellow had was a shirt, shorts and a pair of shoes. He looked lost and child like. He didn't look well and there was an obvious concern by the policeman. Then the policeman got up to go to his car, the man shook his hand I think the policeman was going to call someone and the little guy asked him if he was going to leave him? The policeman said, "no, I will wait until he comes to get you."

It just made me feel good to see kindness on the street first thing in the morning. It made me think that I needed to put myself out there more for others.

I am grateful to carry this positive feeling through my day and to realize I have nothing to complain about.

Do you ever witness positive actions by others that affect you and make your day?

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Perks to my job

2010-09-08T13:45:00.001-05:00

On a day to day basis I never really know where my job will take me or what I will be doing.

Today I was fortunate enough to have to go to Galveston to file a foreclosure notice and post it. Take advantage of the moment I say.

Since the hurricane Hermine was in the gulf I wanted to check out the waves in Galveston. The breeze is beautiful and the salt air feels good on my sinuses.

I am thankful to be alive on this beautiful day. I am grateful I am clean and sober and my life is great even with all the crazy mold issues with my house.

Let me know what you're grateful for?

Location:Seawall Blvd,Galveston,United States

A relaxing weekend

2010-09-04T07:36:00.001-05:00

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend to do get a few things done. I am hoping to clean my sailboat which deserves a cleaning from top to bottom. It's located 60 miles away and it has been ignored for a year. We are expecting a slight cool front that should allow for us to wash away the dirt and not sweat to death while we are doing it.

With fall around the corner It will make for good sailing weather. My son is at a good age to start learning. I haven't sailed in so long I am going to have to get my sea legs back.

Typically when we sail I play the part of Gilligan and my partner is Skipper. The only difference is when we go out for a three hour tour, we come back. (I have also been known to play Maryanne, Ginger, the Professor and both of the Howells!).

We sail on Lake Conroe which is a small lake in Montgomery, Texas. We have been enjoying Conroe since 1989. The lake was created in 1973. It reminds us of a lot of little lakes in central New York.

I am grateful to be at the start of my Labor Day weekend and I wish for everyone to have a safe holiday weekend.

Location:McKinney St,Houston,United States

Grateful

2010-09-02T10:46:00.001-05:00

All I can say is "I'm Grateful". I am grateful for what I have and the experiences I will have today. I am thankful for my health and sobriety. I am thankful for my family and friends and their health and well being as well.

I have been so busy from the moment I get up until I get in bed at 11 at night. I am in constant pain, but I am glad to be alive and grateful that it is bearable.

Today I will smile at my day and look for the gifts I receive and fortunate to be able to acknowledge them. My attitude is what colors my day.

It's a beautiful day.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Insurance Limbo

2010-08-31T09:56:00.001-05:00

Here I am moving into the third week of being displaced from my home. Talk about having to let go and let things happen. If this isn't an exercise in having absolutely no control and having to learn to be patient and let things work out on their own, I don't know what is.

I am at the mercy of an in insurance adjuster. Nothing is moving forward. We had air conditioning installed in our house in April and it created so much humidity in the ventilation system that I had to remove gallons of water out of the ceiling in the down stairs part of my house. Mold is growing out of many of the vents and in closets and build-in dressers. Yet they want to check to see if there is a plumbing leak. We have ask for documentation on our policy and we are still waiting for it. Why this cat and mouse game. I know it's about money, but as far as my partner the lawyer can see, we have peril that is covered!

Gratefully, they are still paying for our meals and hotel. I am not a patient person. I want to jump through the phone and cause bodily harm to anyone in my path. I have a difficult time with people not seeing the obvious. But I am seeing there is a reason to be calm and patient.

I am grateful that I have learned to pause and to take a breath. I am grateful that I have a family that has been there to help us out during this stressful time. It's true, you do see who is there for you in times of need. I appreciate their connection in my life.

So onward with my (our) adventure because I am glad that I don't need to drink or drug over it. I am glad to see how much I have changed and what I can handle. It's all about my attitude and how I want to approach it.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Picking up change

2010-08-29T09:01:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago a friend and I were walking to our parking garage and she found a penny on the ground and picked it up. I was surprised she picked it up because I do the same thing. Then the conversation started about finding change and how much she finds every year. I nearly dropped my change when she told me she finds anywhere from $15.00 to $30.00 bucks a year. That's not including the bills she finds. I think she has found something like a $150.00 bucks this year. She and her husband have an annual competition to see who finds the most.

That got me thinking that I should keep track of my changed as well. So far since a few weeks ago I am up 5 cents. (By the way cents are so unimportant the iPad doesn't even have the symbol to use it. )

This weekend I have found 3 pennies and my son found one. I now walk looking down and ignoring all pedestrians, street lights and cars crossing my path, the hunt is on.

I was told by the experts in coin recycling that parking garages are an excellent place to retrieve lost economy. When I have the time after a Friday/Saturday night I am going to park at the top of my parking garage and work my way down just for the fun of it. I look at it as I will be working my lower portion of my body as well as funding my son's college fund. (He's 9 and wants to go to Rice University).

There are people out there who do not believe it's worth picking up a penny. All I can say is you go ahead and leave it, I'll pick it up. My OCD is kicking into over drive and I am obsessed with the ground and what I can find on it.

I love my dogs

2010-08-27T15:11:00.001-05:00

I have to say my dogs and taking them for a walk is a source of good medicine for me. After an hour and fifteen minute walk to the dog park at Discovery Green I am so much more relaxed.

We are working through a stressful situation with our house that seems like we are stuck in limbo at the moment. We are at the very beginning stages trying to be patient and let the insurance company go through their process. It wouldn't be so be bad if we knew where we stood as far as coverage and what losses will be covered.

I love that when I get overwhelmed that those cute little dogs are able to take a lot of the weight away. It's really great to be able to share a walk with them, release some of their pent up energy from being locked in a stinky house all day. We are good for each other.

I don't have a real point to my blog except I am grateful to have my dogs in my life. They came together by luck, but I have never seen such love between two very different breeds. It's a lot of fun to watch the puppy Maggie (3 months old) growing up with Karl the dachshund (4yrs). I think she thinks he's her mother.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Good hard laughs

2010-08-26T16:33:00.001-05:00

There is nothing like having a good hard belly laugh to start your day. It can keep you centered and happy all day.

My son and I started a tradition of watching YouTube videos first thing in the morning as he is waking up. We started watching them on my iPod Touch but have since moved to the iPad. (by the way two of my most loved pieces of technology!).

Being that my son is 9 (almost 10) we did a search in YouTube on farts. We happened on Graham Norton's "funniest fart scene ever" only to fine tears rolling down our faces first thing in the morning. What a great way to start the day with your kid! I am so fortunate that I can still relate to being 9 and to have a kid that has the same sense of humor that I have. We love to find things that make us laugh as hard as we can.

I am so grateful to have this wonderful being in my life. From the day he was born I felt like I have known him my whole entire life. I look forward to many more years of uncontrollable laughter the two (and three) of us will have together.

I hope you get your belly laugh today and every day.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Self Doubt

2010-08-25T16:47:00.001-05:00

I find it truly amazing how much I doubt my ability to do anything. I don't know if it's fear or that little voice that was instilled a long time ago?

Everything I have done today I fine myself thinking I can't do what ever task is at hand only to find I CAN do it with ease.

I think I haven't been making the effort lately that I have in the past to ignore those ridiculous loops of negativity.

If I don't pay attention to my thoughts I easily can get lost in ridicule, self doubt and self hating faster than you can flick a switch. I Can get wrapped up so deeply in my negativity, that I forget all the great and wonderful gifts of life that I posses that I live out my day as a failure. I know I am more than I believe. I like who I am and I want to to be just as kind to me as I try to be to others.

So hear I am today to publicly say that I know I am good at a lot of things and I will once again start to make a better effort to ignore that evil, negative voice that has no business trying to run my life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Time To Move On

2010-08-24T10:29:00.001-05:00

When is it okay to look the other way from people you know? This is an individual that I just don't have common ground with anymore. We were close many years ago, but it has been a long, long time. Their unhealthy life style also plays a big factor in it as well. I have blatantly chosen to end the quasi friendship if you want to call it that.

Doing this has a double edged sword to it. On one hand I feel bad, only because I really don't want anything to do with them. I am trying to be as kind and respectful by not throwing any judgment or my junk onto them. My issues are none of their business as well as their way of living and being is none of mine. The flip side is not having to hear the drama and drawn out conversations that only make me wish I could have ended the conversation 30 minutes sooner.

I am a true believer that people flow in and out of my live for experiences I need to have. Here are the questions I ask myself. When I end the relationship does that mean I have experienced what I need? Is there more to follow? Is it not over till it's over or do I have control over that?

I realize in the big picture I do not have control of anything. But I do believe I can have a say in my experiences. I can't tell you how many times I have had control of things that did make my life better. It was the actions, thoughts and ideas I started that made the change. It moved me out of a bad place and into a better one. I don't believe my life has any pre-defined path I follow. Every step sets a new experience.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

An Enlightening Walk in the Dark

2010-08-23T07:03:00.001-05:00

Isn't odd how shedding a little light on something makes all the difference in the world? I find it amazing when I walk the dogs in the morning and it's still dark outside how creepy and scary the people seem on the corner of Dallas and Main. Yet as I walk by I hear a pleasant voice wish me good morning. The dark can make anything seem unsafe and unfriendly. I realize you have to be safe and be on guard, this is a city with all walks of life. But it's the realization of how much of that fear is generated by me. During the day I can walk by that same corner in the bright sunlight and I don't have half the thoughts about my safety as I do when the sun is set.

As I walk in the dark I am so aware of the tricks I play on myself. My awareness of how much my mind plays games on me is heighten and I can see how I can hold myself back. It makes me realize that as I go about my day I am not fortunate enough to have something as simple as the darkness to make me notice I am generating the fears I have throughout the day. I am not keenly aware that the negative fearful thoughts I am having are self induced. As I walk through my day my sense of self heightened awareness seems to decrease and I am not as sensitive as to what I can do to myself.

Today I will continue through my day grateful as I can be. I will be more cognizant of what I can do for myself in a positive way and aware of how destructive crippling thoughts can be if I don't pay attention to what I tell myself.

Location:Fannin St,Houston,United States

Routines, chicken bones and gratefulness

2010-08-22T07:52:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get into a routine living away from my home. Being the control freak that I am I have to have constant order or I get nuttier than I am. I am the type of person who has to do the same thing every day, eat the same things habitually for months at a time. Can you say OCD!? I haven't found the exact routine I am looking for but sanity is slowly breaking through.

I am learning how difficult it is to have dogs living in a downtown urban area. I never realized how little green space there is for a dog to drop a duce and pee. I have to walk at least 4 block in any direction to find a place for the dogs to feel comfortable letting go. The great thing is I end up at Discovery Green (http://www.discoverygreen.com/), there is a dog park and lots of open space. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable rain that is not always fun to be out in, let alone trying to force a couple of K9's to do what normally comes naturally.

A major hazard of living downtown with two dogs that I never expected was chicken bones. I mean not one or two, but hundreds! They are scattered on the side walks like rice after a wedding. There is nothing like walking your dogs in a half sleep stupor to suddenly have to wrestle them on the sidewalk to pull a chicken bone from their mouths. Nothing could make me puke faster than a wet bone from a dogs mouth that was in someone else's mouth! I shudder just thinking about it.

So on this Sunday morning I am grateful for all I have. I know I am taken care of, food in my belly and a place to sleep. I thank God that I have another day to walk on the planet and to enjoy my partner, son, and dogs and everyone else who crosses my path today.

Location:McKinney St,Houston,United States

Happy 2 Years to Me!

2010-08-21T08:09:00.001-05:00

Well here I am sitting in Starbucks at 7:30 am in the morning and my life is so different than it was two years ago. I have never been happier. I love where I have ended up and I am grateful everyday. I was not grateful on a daily basis back then, but I have learned that is the first thing I need to be to set my day on the right path.

To give you a little insight where I am right now my life is in total upheaval and I am thankful and smile, even laugh at it through the day. I ended up having health issues that I will need to deal with for the rest of my life. Nothing serious, but enough to be a nuisance. We have been moved out of our house and can't move back from what it looks like for 3 or 4 months because of super high humidity and mold. It is a little unsettling when things get out of control.

However, the three of us and the two new dogs are letting go and let who ever has my our backs have complete control. It's fun to see on a daily basis what is going to happen next.

My house and the condition it is in has been an issue withe me and I have been wanting to take care of it. It appears something didn't think I was moving fast enough. And decided to take it over. All I can say my prayers have been answered.

I am hoping that I will be back into blogging again. I have been looking at things in my life and I have been making changes. I will continue to blog about my sobriety but also about how I am learning to make changes in my life and the experiences I have. I am realizing that I am the force that keeps stopping me. I am learning that when things don't workout for me that what I was expecting wasn't really what was suppose to happen because it wasn't really what I wanted. There is no definition in my life. My energy directs my path. I think in the long run I do know what I want, it's a matter of do I want to admit it to myself or not.

I have missed blogging and my blogging friends. I look forward to trying to get my blog groove back.

Have a great day, I know I will.

Location:Lamar St,Houston,United States

July 14, 2010

2010-07-14T06:36:00.001-05:00

Today I am Greatful for:

Karl and Maggie. Ina will be missed but she made way for two rescuses that were in need of a loving home. I am Grateful I am able to provide for them and to feel the love in our house that flows through my family.

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July 11, 2010

2010-07-11T08:20:00.005-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Knowing we are all the same. I know this and sometimes I forget to practice it. I do pretty good most of the time. I do pretty good about seeing people with less than me and realizing they have the same kind of soul on the inside as I do. I have a more difficult time with people that have more than they should. The ones that feel they can't socialize with just anyone and have to feel they run in a different class. This is a hard nut for me to swallow. I find myself more prejudice towards them if they give off the sense of being entitled. I am Grateful that today I will look to everyone, no matter what they think their status is life and try not to judge them and know that we are all the same.

July 8, 2010

2010-07-08T07:16:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Where I am Today. Everyday I look at myself and I just can't believe I am where I am today. I am so Grateful that I stop everyday and I have Gratitude in my day for what I have, what I can be, and what I can do for others. I have learned to take life as it's pitched to me.

One of the biggest things I have learned being sober and clean is that I still have an emotional life. But I don't stay in those moments very long. Some of those emotions I need to experience. Some of them I have to stop and think, do I really need to go there with what I am feeling and I let it go. I also take the time to think about how I am going to handle things. I never did that in the past.

July 6, 2010

2010-07-06T06:53:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

A New Day. It's so great to realize that life goes on and the only choice you have is to move forward no matter what your situation is. In the past I would have stayed in my misery. Today I know better. Like a good solider, I march foward.

July 4, 2010

2010-07-04T18:02:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Ina. She was a wonderful part of our family. She will always be remembered on the 4th of July, she was a kind sweet dog. We had to put her down today. She was very sick from gallbladder mucoceles. It came on quick before we could do anything about it.

July 2, 2010

2010-07-02T07:09:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Partner's Birthday. I am so Grateful he was born. We have such a great life together. Even with the ups and downs through our relationship. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is so supportive of my recovery. We have created a wonderful family together.

July 1, 2010

2010-07-01T07:16:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Loosing my Fear. I really didn't notice until this morning how much of my fear has gone away. I still have minor fear because I don't believe you really loose it all. But for the most part, I haven't thought about fear in my life for a few months. I have finally gotten to the point that I was being told will happen. It's what I have learned through AA that has gotten me to where I am today. I am so Grateful that I have found a program that is applicable to every part of my life.

June 30, 2010

2010-06-30T07:27:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Staying Stopped. I am so Grateful that I don't start up my bad habits. I'm Grateful that I have continued to have the strength to not want to go back to my old ways of drugging and drinking. I have 0% desire to do so. I am asked if I miss a drink or letting loose now and then? For the first time in my life I can say no, I don't miss the use of drugs and alcohol. I have learned to let loose without them, I'm more real now than I was then. Life has gotten so much better. I would miss the way my life has changed for the better and how I handle it.

June 29, 2010

2010-06-29T07:22:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Spirituality, my recovery and that I think of it on a daily basis, AA, my family - I'm one of the fortunate people that has all kinds of family, friends - even the ones I don't know what to do with, my talents - learning how to focus on them more, a home, choices and learning to pick the right one, another day on the planet.

June 28, 2010

2010-06-28T07:00:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

I am more aware of my thoughts and actions. There is a side to being sober and clean that sometimes can be different than when I was living obliviously. I seem to be more aware of situations and judgments. I try to be kind before I chose to be an asshole. This sometimes make a situation more difficult because I want to be kind. By being kind I chose to ignore the situation. I know I will eventually come to the right answer as to how to deal with the situation. I am Grateful today that I am gentle with my words.

June 27,2010

2010-06-27T10:33:00.001-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

A really wonderful sober and clean weekend.

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June 26, 2010

2010-06-26T09:15:00.001-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Spending a wonderful weekend with my family.

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June 25, 2010

2010-06-25T05:25:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My continued desire to stay sober and clean. There was a time in my life I never thought about how wonderful life is to NOT do drugs and drink. Today that is always in the forefront of my thoughts. It's also very present when I am around other people deep in their alcohol and drug addictions. It really amazes me that today I seem like two different people. I am so Grateful for the way my life has turned out before it was too late.

In Houston it's Pride weekend. I'm sad that we are going to miss the parade. My son always comes home with a couple pounds of beads! Have a safe weekend.

June 24, 2010

2010-06-24T06:10:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Peace and Serenity. I am so Grateful that I feel like I am at peace with so many things in my life. I have the occasional weird thoughts. But today I know they are passing thoughts that I don't seem to focus and dwell on. In the past I would ruminate about issues in my life that I couldn't control for days at a time. Today I have learned what I can control by my own hand. This keeps me peaceful and serene.

June 23, 2010

2010-06-23T06:13:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Seeing the change in me. I've really been noticing lately that I can see how my attitude about myself and about others has changed. I'm seeing that when I look at others I try not to be as judgemental as I use to be. I try to look at them and think that they have the same soul as I do on the inside, no matter what their outside may look like. Sometimes even by what my outside might look like. I'm also realizing that if I have an issue with someone I don't always think that way and I'm learning to stop myself and see I'm being judgemental.

Being sober and clean has made me a better person towards others. I don't feel so much that it's them against me. I make the effort to be as kind as I can. I'm not perfect and I still have times where I have to catch myself. But as the book says, it's progress not perfect. I apply this to everything in my life.

June 22, 2010

2010-06-22T05:34:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful For:

So much I don't know where to begin, so I'll just make a list. For whatever reason I stopped blogging. My life has changed a bit and my blogging took a back seat. Thank goodness I never forget to be Grateful every day. But it makes my life better when I write it down.

Today I am Grateful for:

My life, my sobriety, my family and friends. I'm Grateful for my sober friends, no one gets me like they do, my new job (who knew working with my partner could be so gratifying), my photography, my blogging friends, my faith in a higher power, a roof over my head and way too much food to eat, my ability to stop and just appreciate versus looking at the negative in my life.

Life is good and I am fortunate to share it with so many people and what I learn every single day.

June 2, 2010

2010-06-02T08:37:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Spirituality. The last few days I have been so Grateful that I have spirituality where there once was none. My views on life are totally different today than they were almost 2 years ago. I'm not talking about being an over the top religious fanatic. I'm talking about not believing I am the center of the universe. It's about us all being connected somehow. It's about us all being one. We may not all be on the same journey at the same time but we are going in the same direction towards learning, experiencing and remembering. To me, no matter where you come from, what God you believe in, what part of the world you have grown up in we are all on the same quest.

I am so Grateful that I am sober clean from alcohol and drugs. I had no idea life could be what it is today. I am thankful that I am one of the fortunate ones to have my life before it ended too short.

May 28, 2010

2010-05-28T07:18:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Yesterday. My partner and I celebrated 26 years together. He has been such a positive person in my life over the years. I am so Grateful to have such a wonderful family.

You know what I am Grateful for? My sobriety, partner, son, parents, siblings, nieces, nephew, great niece, friends, pets, work, home, food, opportunity, beautiful mornings, past, present and whatever comes my way.

Have a safe holiday weekend.

May 26, 2010

2010-05-26T05:40:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Proof. I am so Grateful that I have proof in my life that AA and the choice to be clean and sober has enriched my life. Today I can actually stand and do a 360 degree look at my life and all I can say is "Thank you God!"

To be able to see what my life was like. Living to be the center of the universe and wish my life was over. I was miserable, unhappy and left with a bitter taste in my mouth about my whole life. It wasn't what I expected it to be. Then to have someone tell me it's time for recovery and suggest that I go through re-hab and and that I take the suggestion to heart and do what I was told, get clean and sober. I looked at the similarities of everyone else in the program. And now I cannot believe how wonderful and happy my life is. Even when life's not exactly the way I want it to be, it's 100 times better than it was. I am learning that I can get through the uncomfortable things going on in my life and I can see I am in a better place. I can see the miracles of my life, something I never saw before.

May 24, 2010

2010-05-24T05:43:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Being Happy. I am so Grateful that I am happy today. I am Grateful that I don't feel like I need to drink or drug to make my way through a party, a visit with family or friends that are difficult or situations that I feel it will help me loosen up. I've learned to do that all on my own without chemicals of any kind running through me.

Even if I am not having a great day I know I am still happy. Happy to be alive and willing. What more can I ask for?

May 23, 2010

2010-05-23T09:52:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My attitude of Gratitude. For the last 21 months I have learned to have an Attitude of Gratitude. Before becoming sober and clean I never was thankful for the simplest things. I am today. I'm Grateful for the joy I get watching people be kind to others. I'm Grateful to be able to look at the positive way my life is, versus the negative that I lived to dwell in. I'm Grateful for the love I see in my dog's eyes. I'm Grateful to see a family where I never thought that there would be one. I'm Grateful for the sober friends that I have that helped me get to this point. I'm Grateful for AA and to where it has lead me today. I'm Grateful that I am awake in my life. I am aware of all my actions and how they can play out. I am Grateful when I know that I am doing wrong and I can make it right. I am Grateful that my first action when dealing with others is to be kind and I strive to continue that even when a situation may seem to get uncomfortable. I am Grateful for my spirituality and where it has brought me today.

May 22, 2010

2010-05-22T07:44:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My life. It is really an adventure. I'm finally back in Houston. I love the city that I live and I appreciate the city I grew up in. They are definitely two different places and I can appreciate that. I'm glad to be where I chose to live today in Houston.

I am Grateful that I will be starting a new job on Monday. I will be working in my partner's law office. This will be interesting since I never imagined that we would be working together. Fortunately, my legal experience and my own talents will allow me to hopefully enhance his business. And then again, if it doesn't work out he can always fire me. :)

I'm feeling really Grateful for today and everyday. I'm Grateful for to be able to spend the day with my son on our own new adventure.

May 19, 2010

2010-05-19T06:47:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Meetings. I was fortunate to go to an NA meeting with a friend last night. I've been to 3 meetings in the week I have been here in Syracuse. It's nice to know I can go anywhere and find a meeting. I don't care if it's NA or AA, to me, the message is the same. Don't drink or drug and one day at a time. Sometimes, especially in the beginning it was more minute to minute and hour to hour for me.

Today I don't think of my drug and alcohol use as much as I use to. Getting a sponsor and knowing that I am working through the steps has actually help. My sponsor and I have a good relationship. I don't call him everyday, but I know he is there for me and I know he sort of knows where I am and what's going on. (He reads my blog.) Anyone who reads my blog knows what is going on in my life and what my issues are. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I really enjoyed sharing at the meeting last night. It's funny because I was in a room full of people I didn't know and their format is a bit different than what I am use to. But it was the same. I was there to hopefully shed some light on my addiction for a new comer that will hopefully make them want to come back, stay sober and want to go to another meeting. Sharing my experience, strength and hope is what it is about.

I leave today to return to Houston and I am actually looking forward to getting back to my routine. It has been an interesting experience returning to Syracuse clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for the first time in my life. Staying with my family has been an eye opener for me to see some of the issues I have had in the past and where I have learned them. I am Grateful that I feel stronger after this whole experience and I know that I am doing well. I'm not too well that I am cocky, but well enough that I know if I continue how I am going that I am going to be okay.

I am eternally Grateful for the freedom of my addictions.

May 18, 2010

2010-05-18T06:40:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Just letting it happen. I am so Grateful for letting my life play it's course. I know ever time I try and plan it, it doesn't work out. Not that I get disappointed, but it never turns out the way I try to make it happen. If I have an expectation I can be sure it will turn out completely different.

I am Grateful today that I just let the roller coaster take me up the hill and the fast ride down. I'm willing to experience the thrill of the ride versus trying to fight it. It has a power all it's own and I am learning to know better that It's a ride I can't get off.

These last few months have been about work, family, my higher power and change. The experience of all of these have made me realize if I have no preconceived idea of what it should be like in the "Future" I am able to experience my life with less stress. I am able to sleep through the night and wake up and continue right in the spot I am without trying to look too far back and too far ahead.

I am Grateful I can live in serenity today.

May 17, 2010

2010-05-17T06:49:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Understanding. The wonderful thing about being sober is the ability to look at yourself and see what you need to work on. I am Grateful that I know that I'm not done yet and I never will be. I'm Grateful to see that I can see the areas in my life that need to be worked on.

Being home in Syracuse has brought out some old issues that I can see have changed, yet still linger. I think family environments can snap you right back into old patterns of behaviors. If you aren't aware of it it can get out of control.

I am Grateful for the understanding of myself and my family to be able to take a moment and pause before I react. I never could have done that if I wasn't sober. My sobriety and the steps have helped me see how I need to be and how to act. It's a road map for a good life.

May 16, 2010

2010-05-16T06:28:00.006-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Life. I'm so Grateful that I am visiting my family. I'm able to just sit back and look at everyone and appreciate who and what they are for exactly that. Nothing more. I'm not expecting them to be or do anything different other than what they are doing.

I feel like I am reading a novel and I have to laugh at some of the characters. I'm appreciating my parents and seeing why I am the way I am. (I can really see the genetics and how it plays a part in the way I am.)

I've never been more Grateful for my sobriety than today. I've actually gone to a couple of bars and can see what a mess people are from alcohol. My niece is a bar tender which is one of the reasons I ended up in a bar. I wanted clams since you really can't get them Houston. Where my niece works they serve them. My other niece who is 21 was with me and we sat at the bar to visit with my niece the bar tender. The fellow to the left of me was getting drunk and my nieces are both very beautiful girls. So he decided to buy shots for them and me because he wants to show his style to them. I kindly decline and tell him I don't drink. This fell then says to me, "Congratulations" shakes my hand and then says something about he should probably not be drinking. (He was right, it didn't seem like the place to do service work, he was a man about town at that moment.)

But I flashed back to the moments when I drank and slowly became louder and thought I was the cat's meow and how people must have thought I had it all. But to see the loudness, the slurriness, the lies that couldn't be kept straight in the simple conversations we are having as stool mates. It was a clarity for me that I was Grateful to have. It was knowing I was going to safely get into my car and drive home without a worry if I was pulled over. I was Grateful to know I would just wake up tired this morning and that is all. I was Grateful to know that most of the money I had in my wallet would still be there because I didn't have to end up feeling like I had to buy the whole bar drinks. I am Grateful because I could pray to God this morning about what I am Grateful for not to make me feel better and to get rid of a major headache or the guilt of some foolish act I may have committed.

May 15, 2010

2010-05-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Who I have become. Being in Syracuse is allow me to look back at myself and the way I was. Not only in Syracuse, but in the past 26 years. It has actually given me a meter to view my life. I can see how I am different from my family of origin, old friends, old habits.

I am so Grateful I can see today. I can see that I am willing to let go of the negativity that still lives in my family. I can see where it is generated from and I am able to tolerate it today. I am able to not pick up old habits by staying aware and Grateful.

I was able to walk into a bar to meet a friend I have had since I was 16. I was so Grateful to I didn't for a minute feel like having a drink, I enjoyed being sober. Then I was asked if I wanted to go to their house and visit, which to me was a better alternative to being in a bar. I was asked if I still smoked weed and I said no. (People don't see the connection in addiction.) On the 20 minute drive to their house I thought how is this going to play out. Are they going to smoke in front of me? I was Grateful to see that they didn't and we had a wonderful visit of old times and I didn't have to deal with it. I know that I would have to have left if it was smoked in the house in front of me because I know that would have been the jumping off point for me. But it was great to see that they respected me and it didn't appear and it never came up.

I am so Grateful for my Sobriety and the continued health and strength that I am gaining.

May 14, 2010

2010-05-14T05:28:00.005-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Sobriety. This morning I have so many topics I could write about but the most important topic that I am so Grateful for everyday is my sobriety. I look at myself this morning and I am proud of how far I have come. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't fallen on my ass and thought that there was no way out of it. Then I was shown that there is a better way and life is so much more richer than I ever expected it to be.

As I write this morning I have so much to be Grateful for:

My sobriety
My immediate family
My extended family
My sober friends
Lambda
Willingness
Creativity
Love
Serenity
and the list just keeps going on.

May 13, 2010

2010-05-13T05:33:00.005-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Meetings. Last night I thought I would venture out to see what meetings were like here in Central New York. Being gay I thought I would see what the gay meetings were like in Syracuse. They refer to the meetings as "The boys in the band". I found where the meeting was held and head for downtown Syracuse.

I was early so I decided to venture around town to see what has changed and to take in the scenery. I drove around for about 40 minutes and saw in 26 years, not much had changed since I left. That is comforting and scary all at the same time. In Houston you have to be careful because things change over night.

I went to the church where the meeting was going to be held. I was early and I thought that it would be like Houston and I would be able to hang out and visit with people. Not exactly. They have to buzz the door to let you into the church. I was swept in following another man. As we entered a fellow who worked at the church said that the meeting was on the 4th floor, so I just followed along. To my surprised I ended up in a NA meeting. It was just fine that I ended up in an NA meeting because I have cross addiction. Thankfully, Houston's AA meetings cover all my issues. But this NA meeting was interesting to be a part of. It was a little frustrating that the members were not as respectful during the meeting because they would talk amongst themselves get up and talk to the chair person and cross talk. At the same time I enjoyed myself and just listened because the message was the same. The deep desire to stay clean. I was Grateful for where I was in my recovery and Grateful that my bottom was not as far down as some, many of these people in the room.

I listened for a while and then I realized that it was past the time that of the meeting I had intended on going to was started. I left the meeting and and asked where the "Gay" meeting was held and it was on the 3rd floor of the church. In the typical fashion of my fellow gays they had coffee brewing (the other meeting they were complaining that they didn't have a coffee pot because the pot kept getting stolen.) rainbow candles on the tables and a group of men that were just starting their meeting. I came in on cue just as they were asking if there was anyone visiting or new. I stated me name and city and claimed my seat.

It's interesting to see how different parts of the country hold their meetings. How comfortable we get in our ways and how simply changing things can affect us. To begin with they ask who has a topic and will continue to keep say, "who has a topic, anyone, anyone?" It was like you are on the Price is Right. Two people had a topic so they do both topics.

I enjoyed the meeting and being able to share. I also enjoyed seeing a couple of people I use to work with 26 years ago. I was Grateful that one person in particular was recovered for 5 years. When I last knew him, he could barely stand up half the time. He looked very, very good compared to where he was headed. I am Grateful to see the program works, no matter where I am.

The message last night from both meetings was this.

Take it moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour and one day at a time.

May 12, 2010

2010-05-12T05:52:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Parents. I flew to see my parents and other family in Syracuse yesterday. I'll be visiting here for about 7 days. I'm going to try and help my brother out because he is the main care giver since I live in Texas. I'm going to do cleaning and cooking for parents and figure out if things are as bad as they seem from Texas.

I am so Grateful that I am sober and able to help. I'm already up and baking for them this morning. They eat food that isn't really the healthiest in my opinion. I'm glad I like to cook and hope to get my mom to gain a few pounds. I have to say, my family of origin is a scary experience.

The circle of life is very evident to me today. My father is turning into a child in many ways. Some of his mean and nasty attitude is subsiding. He has always meant well, but I can see where I get my anger issues. For the most part I am Grateful that I don't get mad and I just choose to walk away from those emotions when they arise. Generally I believe they come from feeling you don't have control in your life. Because of AA I have learned that I really don't need to try and control anything and things do work out if you just take a breath and let things play out. I'm not saying you have to be passive, you just have to learn what is the next best, logical move.

It's hard to believe that I was in 90 degree weather yesterday and today I'm sitting in 42 degrees. I love Texas!!! I enjoy being warm and freezing when I'm in the house.

Here's to you and me putting our best foot in front of the other all day long.

May 8, 2010

2010-05-08T07:07:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Trying to Remove The Bondages of Self. Everyday I have to take a good hard look at this. Everyday I have issues about me that I have to continue to try and let go of. Even on my best day I am still shackled to myself and it isn't pleasant. Sometimes the pain is minimal and hardly noticeable, but it is still there. Other days it's as if the shackles are cutting me. It is amazing what I am willing to put myself through.

Everyday I am learning to let whatever issues I have coexist with me. I am learning not to dwell on them and stop looking inward and to focuse out side of me. I am learning that these are experiences I am to have in my life to move me down the path of strength to a place I am trying to get to.

By getting out of me and helping others either through AA or through my family and friends or a stranger that comes into my life, I try to focus on them before me. This is where it's difficult, because I want to make everything about me. But the healing does come when I am able to let go and not be the center of the universe.

I am eternally Grateful that I learned this through recovery or I may not have learned it at all.

May 7, 2010

2010-05-07T07:25:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Exercise. I have to admit I have been lacking in the exercise area of my life. I forget how important it is to keep my body healthy, limber and in shape because I know how much it affects my mood.

I have been a runner for over 23 years. I'm typically not out to win any races, maybe stay with the pack if I'm in a 10K, but that's about. I'm in it to ward off the evils of my family heritage. High blood pressure, which I have, but it's managed, heart disease, so far, so good. My dad had a quadruple bypass when he was around 62 and so far I don't think the next 11 years are going to cave in on me if I keep active. Check back with me in another 10 years. Both of my parents are diabetics. God knows I love sugar but I'm trying to be better about controlling my sugar urges. I believe the years I have put into running has helped me stay clear of becoming a diabetic so far.

I'm off to drop my son off at school and go for a run. It's a wonderful time for me to talk to my God and appreciate the journey of my life I am on. It's a great time to mediate as I run and be with nature. It's an awesome private time that I truly enjoy.

I'm Grateful for this time in my life where I am doing for me what needs to be experienced. I am so Grateful for my sobriety and everything in my life.

May 6, 2010

2010-05-06T07:44:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Life. I have to say that life is leading me into a good place at the moment. The last couple of weeks have been hard on me. Not that I haven't had good mixed in all that. But I let things get me down that I can't control.

Hence, the expression, let go and let God. This expression gets me crossed eyed sometimes. I have a very strong faith in my Higher Power. But I have issues with that expression sometimes, because I am told that it's God's will. My problem with that expression is my will is God's will. But what I am starting to understand is that we have choices and we can/must take action. When we sit and do nothing we aren't doing anyone's will God's or mine. We are motionless, stuck not moving forward or backwards.

I believe God wants me to see what I am capable of doing. My will to be positive, and work hard are his will. My inaction of nothing is not God's will. By taking that into consideration it has made me see that little tiny miracle of subtle communication with God and me is always there. It's if I want to listen or be stuck in my own head and ignore the right thing to do.

Here's to working on getting off the roller coaster of emotions created by my negative board of directors.

May 5, 2010

2010-05-05T04:46:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Waking Up To A New Day. I am so Grateful that I wake up and I am ready to start my day, no matter what happens. I have recently really started to let go about the things I can't control. It's not easy, but I keep trying. I'm not perfect about it, but I try daily. Isn't that what it is all about?

I try to start my day on the same note. Yesterday is forgotten and I have no clue what the future will bring. Of course, I have to remember some of yesterday or I wouldn't be good at following up on things. But I can leave behind the emotional issues that I may have experienced through the prior day, hopefully as I am experience them.

I do still reflect on what is going on in my life. I have to in order to build a life that I want. Staying sober, being loving, caring for others, etc. But I am working on letting the negative chatter go that paralyzes me. In the past I would lay down with that negativity and wake up with it. Today I can actually wake up, I am calm, and I meditate and pray. I'm still working on meditating as I still have a very busy mind.

I am Grateful to appreciate every day in front of me.

May 4, 2010

2010-05-04T09:09:00.001-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Spirituality. I'm so glad that I found my Spirituality before I died. I had no idea how important it is in my life. I was one of those people that said that they didn't believe in God as I was looking over my shoulder. I had no idea what I was talking about and I had no idea what kind of power it adds to your life.

My life was running out of control. I worshiped chemicals that I put into my body. I didn't realize that I had a Spirit inside of me that needed to be fed and taken care of like my body was needing as well as my mind. I always thought of myself as me as one thing. I never knew to break it down into 3 parts; body, mind and soul. I heard of it, but I never put it into practice.

I am so Grateful that I didn't try to resist AA when I was entering rehab. I was at the jumping off point, there was no where else to go, other than committing suicide, which really wasn't an option I wanted, but I didn't want to continue the way I was going. I talked a lot about it, but I never went through with it. I'm not sure if I would have gone through with it, but I am glad I am moving as far away from that thinking as possible.

Today I am a very strong believer in the books by Neale Donald Walsch called Conversations with God. The audio books are even better. God is performed by Ed Asner and Ellen Burstyn, they are the voices of my God for the rest of my life. Through these conversations I am learning so much about my spirituality, as I personally believe these books to be the word of God. (I believe God comes to us often through authors/books, A Course In Miracles is another.) I am learning to love myself and others equally, because in the big picture, we are all one big soul, not separate, not different than anyone else.

I have to thank Scott for mentioning to me last year that I should read Conversations with God. I had no idea my life's outlook and views would change. My Spirituality has been enriched and has helped me in my sobriety as well as my continued quest of "Why am I here?"

May 3, 2010

2010-05-03T06:14:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Daily Miracles. Although I sometimes have a hard time seeing them, I'm Grateful enough to know that they happen all the time on a daily basis. Even when I don't think they are happening they are. It's all depends on how in tune I want to be and if I'm willing to listen and look and to be silent and I will I witness the experiences.

I am so Grateful that I found my sobriety. I'm Grateful that I can get up and hear the early birds chirping. I'm Grateful to hear the calm silence before my day starts. I'm Grateful to be able to let the day unfold today without expectation other than minor plans for the day.

May 2, 2010

2010-05-02T06:25:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Life. Where do I start here? I guess I will start with Happy Birthday Gina. Gina became a very close friend when I was 16. We went everywhere together. We drove around in her little blue 71 bug and drank and did drugs in New York state like most of the teenagers of my time did that I associated with. We got stuck in snow drifts, we always had a bottle of Southern Comfort in the glove box, Bruce Springsteen was blaring and smoke bellowed out of the windows like Cheech and Chong. That was the start of a budding close relationship that lased over 3 decades.

After I moved to Texas I still continued my ways, but Gina seemed to get tangled deeper into drugs and other issues that made her life unmanageable. I was always quick to judge her life on what she was doing wrong, forgetting to look at where I was standing.

On the last visit that Gina had to my house we went to Galveston. Of course at the time we smoked weed and went to a little outdoor place and drank. She always drank more than I ever could in one sitting. My preference was drugs to alcohol, but one always led to the other. As we sat there, I learned about things in her past that today truly make me understand that alcohol is merely a symptom of other issues. Things she told me explained so much of her to me that day. It showed me how she was covering up her pain and trying to stop the feelings that I knew she could still feel.

On February 17, 2008 Gina got up on a Sunday morning early, got her glass of wine, her weed and the numerous prescription drugs she was taking for emotional and physical issues (about 19) and sat down at her computer. In the middle of sending a joke email she put her head down and died.

As I sit here writing this I realize that was the start of me understanding that I had a problem as well. I looked at that whole situation and even though we were different, we were very much the same. He issues may have been a little louder than mine, but I could see myself. By September of that year my life was imploding and I had to do something about it before I put my head down like Gina did. I knew I had more to do on this planet and I had a family I couldn't do that to. I am fortunate that I could look past what was different about us but see the similarities.

Here is to Gina. She loved Bruce Springsteen and had probably seen him a few hundred times in her life. He favorite line from one of his songs that she loved that she said was about her was:

"She ain't a beauty but she's alright." It was very fitting for her.

I was very fortunate to know such a funny, bright caring girl. She came along in my life when I was needing a good friend and she stayed with me her whole life. She is part of my past that I will not forget, nor will I close the door on. I am glad that her pain and suffering is over and she is set free to continue with the circle of life. Till we meet again.

May 1, 2010

2010-05-01T07:01:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Realizing. As I travel down the path of my life I'm realizing that I am evolving. I never stopped to look at the issues I am going through no matter how big or small they are as evolutionary steps for me. They are forming and creating my own personal universe that is all part of why I am here.

I realize that I tend to focus on the feelings of what I am going through versus why I am having those experiences and what I can/am learning from them. At the end of the day, I know that I am learning to become a better me. I am learning my strengths and weaknesses no matter how great or painful they are to me. I am learning that there is life after my painful feelings. I'm learning that if I would just let up on myself a little bit and realize that I am evolving for the better. I am fortunate to realize that I am aware that I am evolving and moving down a path. I am so Grateful to be aware of that. There are so many people who just go through life and don't even stop to think about life, where they are, what they are doing, how they are treating people, what they are experiencing. They are asleep at the wheel so to speak.

I'm learning that there isn't a total state of serenity all the time. If there was it would lose it's euphoric state. Everything would be the same all the time. It is not possible, I would stop appreciating it because I couldn't see the differences. The Ying and the Yang of life are what let me appreciate serenity.

I am very Grateful today to have had the experiences I am having lately, as painful as they are to me personally. I am Grateful that I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic that has found a God of my understanding to enrich my life. I am realizing that there is purpose to my life. I am Grateful to realize that my life is a 1,000 times better than it was 20 months ago.

April 28, 2010

2010-04-28T05:29:00.002-05:00

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

My friend Dave suggested that I might want to write about Step One. I have gotten to the point that my Gratitude writing was just the action of writing things down and grasping for new feelings I was having a hard time putting my finger on.

First I need to point out that I am really Grateful for so much, everyday. Family, friends, pets, a home, food, health, etc.

Back to Step One. My life became so powerless from drugs and alcohol. I removed the chemicals and found Gratitude. But that hasn't seemed to make my life any more manageable. I have no desire to live the chemical life again. To me it's like learning to drive the speed limit. If I stay within the speed limit the chances of me having a major accident or killing someone else or myself are less. But that doesn't mean the road isn't full of potholes and bumps and that it's any more comfortable to drive down. To me it seems like I can feel the car slamming down into the potholes a little harder and it makes a louder noise as I drive into it.

Manageability. That's what has me by the throat. I'm stuck in the spot that I can't move from. I know what I have to do. If you broke me down into body, mind and soul two out of the three know what to do. It's my mind that I can't seem to get to let go and live.

For the most of the last 3 months I feel like I am stuck in this place I can't move. I'm told to fake it till you make it. I know that I need to give away what I want. I believe that what you believe and tell yourself is what is. That's where I can't manage my life. I know I need a positive attitude, which I have superficially, but deep down inside I have this negative track that runs out of control. That is what I can't let go of, and let GOD or whatever that power is release me. It's as if I am waiting to shut down and be rebooted.

Unmanageably to me is the negative self talk that never stops. As I look at it now it's as if I am addicted to that way of thinking. I have done it my whole life. 51 years of thinking this way is starting to wear me out.

I hope by writing this it shows others that we all suffer in our own secret ways. Alcohol and drugs were merely a symptom of what our true issues are. I can see how life was much more easier and painless when I was drugging and drinking. Being sober is a double edged sword. We have to feel the pain of life without any way of running from it. But, as I said in the beginning of this post I have learned to be Grateful on a daily basis which I never did before.

I will continue to search for my peace and serenity. I know that I have to experience what I have to experience and I am right where I am suppose to be. I don't like where I am and I want to control the journey I am on. But I realize my soul has an agenda that it needs to experience and I can't take control of the the steering wheel, I have to go alone for the ride. No matter how many potholes I have to slam through.

April 23, 2010

2010-04-23T05:41:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Parents. They have both been having issues with their health. It's unfortunate that they are out of state and it's harder for me to help them. I offer what support I can by being there over the phone for them.

My Brother. When we were children we never got along. We didn't start getting along until I was around 25. Now we are very close. He is one of the funniest people I know. I'm so glad that he passed his sense of humor onto his kids.

Baking. I love that I can throw stuff into a bowel, mix it up and bake comfort food. Today I'm making peanut butter cookie bars with Heath bar in them, yum.

Staying Sober. I'm starting to get sick. My past typical mode of operation would be that I would have to drug myself because I am sick. Today I don't even think of that as an option.

April 22, 2010

2010-04-22T10:11:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Being Sober and Healthy. I am so Grateful that I choose to be sober which allows me to be healthy and to make healthy choices in my life. With that I know when I have to take care of myself and do what is right for me. when I was in my addiction I cared less for myself in my body, mind and soul.

Getting Back On Track. It's funny to see how my life can easily get off track. I have not been following my typical routines and it really throws my life off kilter. Not that anything bad is happening, but I'm not experiencing the serenity that I normally do.

Family Fun. I'm Grateful that I can have fun with my family without feeling the need to separate myself from them. I feel more like a part of them and less a feeling of them against me. We host a group camping event twice a year and this weekend we will be camping with HGLP . I pray the rain stays at bay!

Opportunities. I'm realizing that they come when you least expect them to.

April 19, 2010

2010-04-19T09:04:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Quiet Raining mornings.

A very nice weeekend

Sobriety Blogs to read

Staying busy.

April 18, 2010

2010-04-18T07:47:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Seeing I have choices. I just have to continue to try and make the right choice every day.

A nice day yesterday. It was a tame, relaxed day. Who could ask for anything more?

A peaceful quiet morning. It's even more peaceful because my son spent the night over a friends house.

I'm okay today. It's the direct opposite of what was going on with myself earlier in the week. I often wonder how sometimes I can be just fine and other times I can't get any crazier? I am so Grateful for being on the less crazy end of the scale this morning.

April 17, 2010

2010-04-17T07:14:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Another Year on the planet.

A Great Meeting. I was fortunate enough to be able to host a meeting at my house yesterday. It was really great for me. I am surrounded by a lot of great people that help me stay sober.

My Family. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful partner and a great kid. My partner and I have been together almost 26 years and the time has flown by. I never thought that I would be a parent and it's a gift I am thankful for everyday.

Cell Phones. I can't believe we are giving our son a cell phone. The geek is starting to appear. He has already figured out every technical aspect of the phone.

April 16, 2010

2010-04-16T05:43:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Coming around. This week has been the week from hell for me emotionally. The insanity of my thinking, the doubting, the insecurities that ran uncontrollable through my mind. This negative emotional state was stuck to me like ink from a magic marker. I knew eventually it would come off, but the marks are visible for a while. It's so amazing how we can buy into our own bullshit. I know I can choose my state of mind, but sometimes no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work. I am a person that has to process what I am experiencing and what I am going through. If I merely look the other way and say I'm happy, when I'm not, it never gets resolved.

Yesterday's Meeting. As difficult as it was for me to sit through it, I was Grateful that I did. When a fellow "AA" speaks up how in 3 days their life went to hell by not following the program it made me Grateful that I did continue on my course and I did stay sober even when I thought that a few pills or some substance would fix the problem. I'm Grateful that I can experience the pain in my life without trying to find a quick fix for it.

My Higher Power. Even though my Higher Power and I have communication issues the most wonderful thing I heard in the meeting yesterday that really hit home was by staying sober I don't loose my contact with my higher power. I don't give it up and walk away from it and put my power into something that can't make my life any better.

My Willingness to participate. I'm Grateful I have come a long way.

April 15, 2010

2010-04-15T05:49:00.003-05:00

The Third Step Prayer.

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

I have always loved this prayer. I have been using it for about 16 months. I remember the first time I saw it I was in rehab as I opened my big book and it shouted out at me. It was exactly about me. It was what I needed to hear.

But amazingly I still have days where I can't get past myself. I get stuck in the middle of me and I can't let go. May people offer antidotes like "Do the next right thing" and "This too will pass" and "Pray about it." But I have to express I'm not really sure what "The next right thing means" and I do know "This too will pass" but what about right now? And of course I have "Prayed about it." I sometimes feel like I'm in a sound proof room and praying my heart out and I am still not being heard. I get this awful feeling I have been duped at times. Is everything really happening at random and life appears to be going as it should and then suddenly it comes to a screeching halt and there isn't a continuation to the chapter I'm on?

I dont want to believe that I do not have any control in my life. I believe that God gave me choices and options in life. I can't just sit back and say okay God what next? I don't believe "IT" cares anymore than I care about what my son is doing out on the playground when he is playing with his friends. He has freedom of choice to do what he wants when he's out there playing just like I have freedom of choice to live my life as I see fit. There is no big plan that God has set out for me. I don't believe he works that way.

I do however, see how I can get stuck and maybe that is the lesson I am I am trying to teach myself. That I have to reach out and do more and act on instinct more than I have.

I'm putting this on my blog today because I feel like I need to "Air my frustration" and somehow release it from me. I am Grateful that I am sober. I have no desire to go back to a life that was so not good for me. Of course I get the insane thinking of perminant solutions, but that is caused by a feeling of hopelessness. I am Grateful that I can label my issues "Fear and Frustration" and I will find a way to get through, over, under or around what I am experiencing.

April 14, 2010

2010-04-14T07:56:00.003-05:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

April 13, 2010

2010-04-13T05:44:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

I am really having a hard time with this one today. My attitude of gratitude is being overwhelmed by much negative thinking and feelings of being lost. I am human.

April 12, 2010

2010-04-12T05:47:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Lambda in Houston. I'm fortunate to have such a wonderful place to go to so close to home.

My Higher Power. Nuf said.

A Healthy body. (For the most part.)

Family.

April 11, 2010

2010-04-11T07:38:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Kindness. I'm Grateful to have the forethought that I can choose to be kind to everyone I encounter.

Being An Example. Through my way of living, love that I experience in my life and the power of my higher power.

Patience. I'm Grateful that I am trying to be. I'm not there yet, but it's a process.

Today. I'm just Grateful to have a beautiful day ahead of me and to experience what unfolds.

April 10, 2010

2010-04-09T16:53:00.005-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Getting On Track. Yesterday was one of those days where I just couldn't do anything the way I normally do it. Not that it was a bad day, I just wasn't able to do my normal routine. I even missed a blog. It was like I was living in an alternate universe. I'm Grateful to know that life is just fine even if it wasn't routine.

Drew's Musical Talent. My son had his recital at his school last night in a program called "Coffee House" put on by the high school students. I'm very proud of his natural music talent. It's funny to watch this funny little boy that knows music without effort. He does practice a lot, but it comes so naturally to him. I'm Grateful that we are able to help nurture the musician in him.

This Thing Called Life. Everyday is so different than the last. I never know day to day what the journey is like. It unfolds in the most surprising way. I've never had an uncharted life before and it's so interesting to try to live it carelessly. I know I will be provided for.

Attitude. I'm Grateful that I can see when I get negative and that I am willing to change it. I don't go there too often, but it happens. I still have a negative stream of conciseness that runs in my mind on a daily basis. But I know it's under my control and how much I want to live it and believe it that makes the difference today. I can let those thoughts pass through my head like birds, they can fly in and fly out. They don't have to nest.

April 8, 2010

2010-04-08T05:50:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Trying to walk through Fear. I'm told that it's a mile high and a mile wide but paper thin. That may be true but I think it has jagged edges and can hurt to get through it. It appears my whole life right now is about facinig my fears. I'm Grateful that I am willing to face my fears painful or not. I would have never made the effort before I was sober.

Being Grateful. There was a time in my life I never even stopped to be Grateful. I would just complain about my life and how it sucked and nothing went my way and poor me. Today I am able to stop and just be thankful for the air I inhale, the healthy body I have and the peace and serenity that I experience. Even when I have those moments of thinking life sucks I pause and realize I am Grateful. It brings me back to a point that I know that i am provided for.

Blogging. It really helps me peel back the layers of myself. It helps me stop and look at my life. It's a daily routine of me looking at my Gratitude. I like to blog because it exposes me and my fears, feelings, hopes and dreams. It allows me have the strength of writing and expressing myself without the care of others seeing what I am going through. It lets me see I am not alone and others are experiencing life much as I do.

YouTube. I'm going to go wake up my son and crawl into bed with him. We like to watch YouTube on my iPod Touch in the mornings as he wakes up. The other day we watched people riding on roller coasters and laughed our asses off so hard that tears were rolling down our faces.

The picture below is an idea of how to reuse vodka bottles. they must be very proud.

April 7, 2010

2010-04-07T08:29:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

A Power Greater Than Me. I am a person that was running around for 48 years unable to direct my thinking off of me and towards something that was bigger and more powerful than myself. I thought I was the center of the universe and that is how it was suppose to be. Today I realize that I'm merely like a planet revolving around a sun that provides me with warmth and energy.

Chances. I am Grateful that I was given a chance in this life to make changes for the better. I'm Grateful that I want to continue doing just that.

I am Grateful that there are steps for me to follow that I can use in my everyday life. The more I understand the more I realize they are basic rules for kindness, honesty, humility and more.

The Spirit Within. I am Grateful that most of the time I stop and think that every single person I see has the same Spirit that connects us all. We are all the same no matter what we look like on the outside.

April 6, 2010

2010-04-06T05:54:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Creativity. It's funny how it works. You can't make it happen, it has to be inspired. For me, it always comes out of left field. If I try to be creative I don't get what I think I am going for. It never leaves me feeling like that's what I wanted. Then when I don't try at all I get something that makes me think, wow, I can't believe I did that.

A beautiful day. I'm not sure what the weather is going to be like in Houston, but the birds are chirping and that makes a pretty good start for me.

Living in the Present. I am someone who likes to think in the future. That is killer for me. I have to remember right here, right now and no further forward and not to look back. What is done is done and I can't see any further than the second I'm living in.

The gifts of today. If I'm Grateful enough I usually can see the gifts I get everyday.

April 5, 2010

2010-04-05T05:33:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

I'm okay right where I am. I'm Grateful to realize today that I don't have to have all the answers and if I'm confused it's okay, it will work out. I have to realize that everything is a process and it will come in due time, whatever "it' is.

Meditation. I'm Grateful to be able to let go and just listen for 5 to 10 minutes. There was a time that 30 seconds was too long. Some days are easier than others.

Dreams aren't real. I had this very odd dream about people committing suicide and it was all a matter of course. There were about 6 of them, one of them my father and a few other relatives, whom I don't recall who they were. It seemed to be in my house and very planned and organized. I was very Grateful to wake up from that dream.

Photography. I am Grateful on a daily basis I never know where, what or who I will be shooting.

April 4, 2010

2010-04-04T05:48:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Long Time Friends. They're there for you when you least expect it.

Opportunity Knocks. Right now it's tapping. I just have to wait to see if it starts banging.

My Son's happy day. Yesterday my son had 3 friends come over and they had pizza, played Wii and swam for 2 hours. It was such a good day for him and he ended up exhausted at the ended of the night and fell asleep on the way home from dinner. I don't live in a area where he can just go into the neighborhood and play. It was a good day for us all.

I have no desire to drug or drink.

April 3, 2010

2010-04-03T08:09:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Meetings. Yesterday I was able to go to two different meetings in the morning. Both of those meetings were addressing my issues of fear. My whole life has been fear based. In my mind I am not good enough to have what others have, I fear failure, I fear people don't like me, I fear meeting and talking to people I don't know. I fear Karma. Is there something I need to fix that I don't realize? As I write this today I can't think of anything I really need to fix. Fears make my possibles impossible.

DAAve. Your kindness and friendship, you help me in many ways.

Scott W. For showing me one step at a time.

Finding Me. Until I recovered, I really didn't have a clue who I was.

*I dislike marketing with a passion. Yesterday, I was so stressed and stuck trying to figure out how to market my business I ended up chasing my tail. When I get like that I grab one of my cameras and just start driving. My last stop was a graveyard two blocks from my house. I really do love to hang out in cemeteries because it's peaceful. Especially when my mind is going off kilter. I had the best time shooting in the rain. It helped open my creativity and bring me back to center. I'm not a christian, but I like the image of Jesus. He is a great example of how we should treat everyone, including ourselves.

April 2, 2010

2010-04-02T08:12:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

The Early Morning Meeting. I love when I can get away and go to the early 6:30 a.m. meeting. It's small and intimate and you always get to share.

Just letting Go. I'm Grateful that I am willing to try and let go.

Being Drug Free. I'm Grateful this morning that even with the frustrations in my life, I have absolutely no desire to use drugs.

My Son. I never thought I would end up being a parent. I love that at 9 years old and almost 100 pounds he still wants to craw into my lap and cuddle in the morning.

My Partner. He grounds me to see what is real even when I don't want to look at it.

April 1, 2010

2010-04-01T08:08:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

The Unexpected. Happy April Fools Day. It was great fun this morning teaching my son Drew about April Fools Day. We watched YouTube videos of pranks. Then he put salt in my bottle of water. Unfortunately, his other father called to tell me and ruined the prank. I hope he comes up with another joke to play on me.

Photography. I am so Grateful that I have a talent. I'm not sure where it will take me but I'm enjoying the journey. Every time I think I know where I am heading there is a fork in the road that gives me the opportunity to head in another direction. Originally I was shooting family portraits and now I am starting to shoot fashion and model work. Who Knew?!

Sleep. Since I quit my job I get a full nights sleep every single night.

Prayer. That I can do it anytime I want to and I can hear and see responses if I am only willing to listen.

Marh 30, 2010

2010-03-31T08:33:00.007-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Memory. I was so busy this morning that I almost forgot to blog. I'm Grateful that I have a clear head and it wasn't chemicals that made me forget. Just old age.

Not taking myself too seriously. This has really been something I am learning. I was always concerned about everything. Now my biggest concern is am I simply happy just being? It's not every second of the day I accomplish this, but I'm working on it.

Being Helpful. I like to be able to be there for my family and friends. I like helping people I don't know. I like to act on the feelings I get when the first thing I think is "They need help!" and I just do it without a second thought about it.

Spring In Houston. I am so Grateful I am in a climate I love.

Butterflies

March 30, 2010

2010-03-30T05:50:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Family Visits. It doesn't happen that often. It was fun while it lasted. It is nice to get back to my routine.

Spring. The seasons are finally changing to the weather I live for.

Difficulties. I'm Grateful to know that if I set mine down and help someone else mine don't seem to be that big.

Love. I get it all the time and I'm willing to share it.

March 29, 2010

2010-03-29T05:59:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Humility. I'm grateful that I am at a point in my life that I am working towards Humility. From one day at a time. "A full willingness, in all times and places, to find and to do the will of my higher power."

Awareness of how I react. In every situation, I am in control and I can choose how I react.

Having Faith. Sometimes I have to look at faith as having a positive attitude. Having "Faith" that it will work out. Not so much controlling it, more like being in a sailboat and pointing it in a direction and know that if you set the sails right the will will get you there. Not directly, but it will move you to the point you are headed.

Creativity. Yesterday I spent about 4 hours behind my camera. My Faith and Higher Power are showing me I like to box myself in and I need to just keep moving forward. I'm suddenly moving in a direction I didn't really think about.

March 28, 2010

2010-03-28T07:17:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Listening to my HP. If it wasn't for AA, I would have never known that I needed to focus on something greater than my self. The last 19 months has shown me that I need to listen and I will be able to hear.

Examples. Everyday I see examples of the life I let go and I'm Grateful that I did.

Dave. I was just in Hollister's the other day and I was wondering how to fold a shirt that I had pulled off the shelf to look at.

Work. I think it's slowly coming down the pike.

March 27, 2010

2010-03-27T06:29:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Set the Past Down. My niece is visiting me and we are having such a wonderful time. With it comes conversations about family members which jar memories I had forgotten. Some not so good. But today I am able to look at them and view them and let them pass. I'm not getting reacquainted with them.

Laugher. It's not often I get to have a good belly laugh. It takes a lot for some reason to really make me laugh. A quick wit will make me laugh with tears. My niece has that natural talent of wittiness. I'm so Grateful she is like her dad with his humor.

Miracles. I'm Grateful that I know every day is one.

The Two Words "I am". I'm learning how powerful they are in my life.

March 26, 2010

2010-03-26T08:48:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Feeling great. There is nothing like waking up in the morning with nothing more than the normal aches and pains of my body that weren't caused from the night before.

The Will To Get Up. I love every day, no matter what. I'm happy and I am Grateful for that.

Helping Others. No matter who it is, it's great to help someone, anyone, it doesn't matter how minor it is. It's a great feeling for me to do it and I don't need anyone else to know.

Surprises. It looks like my higher power lead me some place I didn't expect. I'll wait to see if it pans out.

Beautiful Days in Houston

March 25, 2010

2010-03-25T05:53:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Sobriety. I am one of the lucky ones and I know it. Everyday I put my faith in something greater than myself instead of into the power of drugs and alcohol.

Visitors. I'm enjoying having my niece here. It's nice to see Houston through her eyes.

Praying and the payoff. I'm seeing the daily miracles of my conversations with my God of my understanding.

Turning it over. It's not so bad or difficult if you just do it and let it go.

I'm Grateful that this freaky bunny stayed at the candy store. I could not handle it in my house!

March 24, 2010

2010-03-24T05:55:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Easy Does It. Those are the words for today out of "A Day At a Time." I think I'll try to remember that today. I tend to want everything now, hurry, hurry, hurry. I know things are coming along, but I want it at lightening speed.

Family Visits. My niece who is going to be 21 next month is coming for a visit today. I haven't seen her in 3 years. She wants to move here from Syracuse NY. We are going to check out dental hygiene schools. I hope that her expectations are what she expects from Houston. Houston is a very different place than the small town of Syracuse.

Courage. I'm finding if I don't give into the fear I can see my courage rise to the surface. When I resist what I know I need to do I get stuck.

Cupcakes. What can I say. I can eat the whole box. But I love frosting, I love vanilla. These cupcake stores are popping up all over the place in Houston. That is not good for someone like me who is addicted to sugar and sweets. When I binge on sugar in a few days I am crazy as hell. my thinking just goes off the deep end. I'm freakin cupcake crazy!

March 23, 2010

2010-03-23T05:12:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Journey. I'm Grateful that I know I can pick any direction I want to go in. I have to have faith that I will get there. It's the experiences along the way and how I participate in them that will enrich my life.

My Dog Ina. Yesterday I had this feeling of Gratefulness as I looked at her. She was so happy. She spent most of the day outside in the yard, laying in the sun, chewing on a big bone. Barking continuously at the neighbor's dog. I flashed back to the day we picked her out at the pound and how unhappy and sad she seemed. She didn't bark for the first 4 months she lived with us. It's a good feeling when you know you have given an animal a safe, happy home.

Staying Positive. I'm still doing it every day. I'm not sure what I am doing, but I will continue to figure it out.

Love. I have a ton of it in my life and it can't get better than that.

March 22, 2010

2010-03-22T05:06:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

A Good Weekend. It doesn't feel like I did much, but it was nice to have a weekend with the family.

Recognizing the changes within. It's really nice to be able to see for yourself how much you have changed. For me I can see I am totally a different person today.

Not having to have the last word. I've been witnessing this a lot lately. I don't have to have the last word and I don't have to go out of my way to prove I am right, you're wrong.

Getting Back on Track. Yesterday was one of those days that I couldn't seem to get it together. However, today, I'm back on track. So far anyway, it's early in the morning, but I don't feel drained like I did yesterday morning. Here is to a productive week.

Since we have a choice every moment of the day, choose to be happy.

March 21, 2010

2010-03-21T07:55:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

The First Day of Spring. It's hard to believe when it's 37 degrees in Houston, but I'm going to go ahead and run with it. I'm Grateful that the cold only lasts hours in Houston.

Being Drug Free. I have been working on my pool and I am having an issue where I have a pipe that is struck and I can't get it loose. I threw my back out trying to un-stick it. In the past I would have used the pain as an excuse to do whatever drugs I could to feel better. Now I just take an anti-inflammatory and rest. I don't even have a desire to take the strong stuff.

Looking Onward. As frustrating marketing is for me, I continue onward. I do sometimes feel like throwing in my hat, but I will continue until I build a good, solid client base. That's where I have to understand I can't control anything. It will happen when it happens.

Old Friends. It's interesting to visit with someone you haven't seen in a while once you have become involved in a program like AA. I can hear echos of my old self in his conversations. Ways I use to be and how Grateful I am that I am willing to change. I think in the past, I didn't realize I could change.

March 19, 2010

2010-03-20T08:00:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Morning Stretches. My back is killing me today. I'm Grateful that a few good stretches can make me feel better.

Third Step Prayer. I am so glad that I have it worked into my morning routine. It's a great reminder for me that life doesn't revolve around me and I can be an example to others by my actions.

Serenity. I am Grateful that I know I have it. I never stopped to think about it during my addiction.

Blogging. A healthy addiction. I wake up and sometimes say to myself, I'm not going to blog today. Then I find I can't let the day go without posting something. I'm Grateful to have a place to let the universe know where I stand each day.

March 19, 2010

2010-03-19T05:19:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Time off with my son. My son and I went to Galveston yesterday. It was only 63 degrees, but we went to the beach. He actually went into the water and collected shells. I laid in my chair freezing and watching him while snapped a few pictures. We had a really nice day together.

A little break. It was nice to have a little break from working and the continued focus on my business. It was nice to not think of marketing and photography at all for a day. (At least try not to anyway.)

My Intentions. I'm Grateful that I have positive intentions towards others throughout the day and that I and my higher power know that. I don't have to worry that anyone else's opinion of me matters. (It's none of my business.) I strive to do the next right thing.

Morning Meeting. I get to go to one more early morning meeting today. It's nice to meet a new/different group of people and to experience fellowship with a different group.

March 18, 2010

2010-03-18T07:26:00.006-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Sleeping in. I love to get up really early most mornings. But then I notice all at once, one day, I am exhausted and I need to sleep in one day. This morning was the morning I was able to sleep in. It's what I call my recharge sleep. I'm usually good for about a month and then I'll have to do it again.

Learning WordPress. Yes, I know I Blog my Gratitude's on Blogger, but I am building my websites on Wordpress because my web host has a way of installing it on my site. I'm hoping to do more blogging for my photography and WordPress offers tons of plugins. I'm amazed at how much I have learned just by Googling if I don't know how to do something. I'm Grateful that my clear sober head and positive attitude allows me to gain knowledge. I'm not hitting the pipe and using letting the world pass me by.

Patience. I'm in one of those places that I could beat myself up, but I'm not. I'm totally aware how I could go off the deep end and say life sucks. But I'm not. Yes, I am aware of my board of directors aren't saying nice things to me and they're good at telling me what a failure I am. But I'm not. As I write this I am having tingly goosebumps about how fortunate I am. I will be provided for and taken care of. I know my higher power doesn't have a scheme for my life, because every step I take changes it, I am given choices. I know today, right now, I am okay. It really is a kind of wait and see experience.

A Great Day. I'm Grateful that I have today, I have a wonderful family, I have friends and I have the ability to change my mood at will.

May you have a goose-bumpy day!

March 17, 2010

2010-03-17T04:58:00.004-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Role. Just trying to figure out who I am, where I am and how I fit into the whole thing. Just letting go and letting me become who I am.

Early Morning Meeting. I'm fortunate enough to be able to go to the 6:30 am meetings this week because my son is on Spring break.

Gratitude. I'm so glad to be able to stop everyday and be Grateful for what I have. I see so many people who never stop to be Grateful even for a minute. They are also not the happiest people I know.

Quiet Morning Moments. I love my time in the morning. I'm alone and I have time to pray, meditate, think and plan my day. No interruptions.

March 16, 2010

2010-03-16T05:40:00.002-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Early Morning. I woke up early because I have a lot running through my mind. I'm Grateful I woke up with a clear head, clean and sober.

Moving Forward. As hard as it is sometimes, I keep going forward. Dave says fear is a mile wide and high, but paper thin. I'm still working on breaking through it. It feels a bit like a rubber balloon.

Meetings. I'm so Grateful they are a part of my life.

Friends. Because of my sobriety I actually have friends that I can count on.

March 15, 2010

2010-03-15T05:57:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Life as it is today. I am so Grateful for seeing the difference in my life today compared to what it was like before.

Different Opportunities. There are more options out there than I sometimes allow myself to believe. Nothing is finite.

Laughing. I'm reminded everyday it's an important part of my recovery.

Getting through the Fear. I'm not at the other side yet, but I keep looking it in the face and sticking my tongue out at it. I'm not as afraid of it as I use to be.

March 14, 2010

2010-03-14T07:44:00.003-05:00

Today I am Grateful for:

Unbelievable Weather. This weekend was meant to be spent outdoors. I like it warm, but I can really appreciate the spring in Houston.

Getting Un-hacked. I was working on my studio website yesterday and my site was hacked in front of my eyes by a so called "Turkish Muslim Group of Hackers". The funny part was I changed my password to my host to a very strong, safe password only to be hacked anyway. I'm grateful they were able to return it back to normal in less than 8 hours. I guess I better look into backing up my site. :)

Being Sober. I see everyday as a miracle.

A New Day. Everyday is like a chapter in a new book. Sometimes it's an easy read, sometimes, not so much. But I still manage to get through every chapter and look forward to the next.

March 13, 2010

2010-03-13T05:46:00.004-06:00

Today I am Grateful For:

Serenity. The past year and a half has been such a learning experience of where to find my peace and happiness. To search within myself has been a place I never wanted to look. It seemed like a messed up place without direction. I find it so interesting now to realize that my calm radiates out of me. I'm learning to shift my thinking into a better place. The chemicals and alcohol clouded so much of my life and perspective. Today I am learning to slow down and to enjoy the moment I am in, not rush to the next thing.

Everything turns out okay. 6 years ago I had a carpenter banging on the outside of the house all day working on the house. It stressed my dog out. My son was 3. At the time, he was into things like pompoms, mops anything that flowed. I was high and not paying attention to him or the dog, pealing potatoes at the sink. He had a rag-mop in his hand that had a piece of metal in the middle of it. He hit the dog in the head. She was so stressed and hurt by the mop that she reacted by biting him in the face, ripping off the lower lid of his left eye. Thank God she didn't get his eye. In a split second life changed. Within minutes I was sitting in an ambulance. My partner and I would be in for a very long night, leading to 3 surgeries. Everything turned out okay in the long run. But I live with a guilt that I have let go of, for the most part, because I can't change it. But it makes me so aware how there is a chance I could have made things different if I wasn't using. I have regrets, but I am Grateful to realize today how I am in a better place. My judgements are more balanced and less focused in self.

New Air Conditioning. I am so Grateful that we are finally replacing our HVAC. It's been dying for 3 years. We were fortunate enough to have someone who borrowed money from us years ago decided to come clean and pay us some of it back. It could not have come at a better time. I'm looking forward to the money we will be saving in electricity.

Organizing. There is something very cleansing about organizing and getting rid of stuff. So far I have organized my studio, dining room, yard and it is leading to a feeling or control in my life. I have two more major areas to attack, the workshop and the attic.

People in my life. I'm grateful for the people I am meeting in my life. When I least expect it, my HP is leading me to people that have an affect in my life and I in theirs. They lead me to new ideas of what I am capable of.

I am so Grateful for my life.

March 12, 2010

2010-03-12T05:44:00.004-06:00

Today I am Grateful for:

12 Steps. Even though I'm working through them for the first time, I'm glad to have a plan to follow. Many of the steps just come naturally on a daily basis. As I have said before, I think everyone could live by these rules as a simple guideline to living.

Family Time. I really enjoy when our family is together doing nothing.

Being Creative. Using the gifts I've been given.

Determination. There are so many times I just want to give up. I'm learning to work through what I think I can't do. It's that old co-dependant thing that I think I need someone to do whatever it is I need to get done that is hard to do. Alone is a hard way to work at something. But I think the big payoff at the end is the success of knowing I got through it.

March 11, 2010

2010-03-11T05:52:00.002-06:00

Today I am Grateful for:

My Blog Friends. I really enjoy hearing from everyone. I'm so Grateful when I open my emails and see that I am not alone with my thoughts and the issues I go through. There is always a common thread amongst us. By hearing from you helps me know that recovery was the best choice I have ever made for myself.

The Serenity Prayer. I have my 18 month chip in front of my computer to remind me everyday. My son came up to me the other day and said, "Papa, what is that saying? God grant me," so I started saying the prayer and he started to repeat it to me from memory.

My son. I see God's gifts in him. When he was a baby I had a couple of people I didn't know walk up to me in the grocery store and tell me he had a special light about him. He is so gentle and kind. His talents amaze me. For 9 he has a musical ability that is beyond me. He is very good at the violin. He has been wanting to learn the piano. So my partner bought him a book on basic chords. The boy opened the book and started playing two handed within 5 minutes. He has gone through 20 pages in two days. He has perfect pitch and can already tune his violin by ear. I thank God everyday for this person and what he shows me. I want to be like him when I grow up.

My Sponsor. I'm so Grateful that I have one. I went too long without one. He is someone I can relate to in many ways. His gentle words this week in my stressed moment were what I needed to hear. I worked through my fear and frustration and did come out on the other end. Things did slowly fall into place, not the way I expected them to, but we all know the reason for that. I cannot control anything. Life will play out as it should play out.