You have no idea.

A friend of mine and I were talking about being sober and clean. I had no idea while I was in the midst of of my addition to see the clarity that I gained being sober and clean.

I'm not talking about not putting something in your body for a week or a month. I'm talking about really cleaning your system out and truly gaining a clear head. You really do have to let the fog rise and see with different eyes.

It's amazing for me to see how my moods, my judgment, my out look on life has really changed by not being colored by chemicals that don't belong in my system.

I hated work so I would wake up first thing in the morning and start smoking weed at 4:30 in the morning. I would then have coffee and a Xanax to prepare to go to the office. Once I was in the office my focus was to get out of there as quick as I could so I could smoke more weed. Because of the uncomfortable dynamics of the office I would pop another Xanax to alleviate the emotional pain that I was feeling. As I look back now I understand how much of the anxiety and pain I was feeling was generated by me. I also can see now that the environment I was in wasn't the healthiest either. I worked in a place that instead of truly dealing with their employees in a respectful professional way they choose to look the other way and ignore as much as possible because they didn't want to deal with the real issues at hand. To this day I hear most of the employees are very unhappy there. But I digress.

My life has changed so much for the better once I decided that a sober clean life really is the answer. I also had to acknowledge that there is something out there, bigger than myself. The world doesn't revolve around me. I do have a say in how I am going to live my life. I am no longer just letting life happen , I am participating in the decisions that affect my life. I am able to make good, sound decisions for myself. Yes, I still screw up, but I have learned to not take myself or anything too serious. To me that is the secret to a serene life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Drink, drugs, no thank you

It has been an interesting week. It has been a week of looking at my self and others and comparing them to me. I like where I am and I want to stay on the path that I am on.

I am grateful to have the experience of seeing messy drunks and loving that I choose not to be that way. Not even one drink. I don't like how I feel during and after the experience.

I am grateful that when I run into the same homeless people I see on a daily basis that it reminds me that I was thinking that could be an option for me when I was in the peak of my drug and alcohol usage. I remember thinking all I would have to do was take off, disappear and no one would really care. Life would be that much more easier. It just goes to show how diluted my thinking became.

I am grateful when I see friends that use and think it's a normal way of life. It's funny how I could can get caught up into thinking that a little weed here, a few pills here a cocktail here is normal for everyday life. But I have learned it is not. I have come to realize how blurry my thinking was. How I always felt pity for me and I wanted everyone to feel the same for me. I was focused on me in a very wrong way. I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities as a parent. I wasn't taking responsibility in my job. I wasn't being the partner I needed to be. I wasn't focused on a higher power that I believed would work for me. I had expectations but they were for everyone else and how they should care and look at me. It was pour me. I lived for the pity party.

But today I have a very different view of me and my life. I try to be of service in someway to others. I do try to lead by example. I try to pick kindness over bitchiness. It doesn't always work, but it is in the forefront of my thinking. I chose to let people in that cut me off in traffic. I choose to help someone when it seems like they need help. I give money to people on the street that seem like they really need it. I am more aware of choosing kindness than I ever have been. And it pays me back in ways I never thought I would feel. It makes me feel good in my heart.

There is enough drugs or alcohol that can do that.

Have a great week.

Today

I am not sure what to write about today, but I do know this.

I love my life,
I love my family,
I love my God,
I love how far I have come,
I love the surprise of the journey ahead of me.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

To write or not to write?

I have been missing my blogging. I enjoy just writing what is on my mind and putting it out there not caring what kind of response I get. It is the pleasure of expressing myself without expectation. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the comments and knowing that my words help others relate in their own lives. But I like the fact that my verbiage comes from me first to help me and then a domino affect on readers who find they have the same experiences.

These last few months have been a big change for me. My job, my home, I stopped going to meetings, family issues have changed. But what I have noticed most is my spirituality has grown exponentially and so has my happiness. I have learned that I am able to handle what is dealt me. That I have no control except for what actions I take. How I deal with something and what emotions I decide to let loose all predict how my day will go.

I do know that my spirituality and my sobriety are my main priorities on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. It I keep those in check the rest of my life stays in check.

I still have that feeling that there is something big I am suppose to be doing with my life but I don't quite know what that is, or who knows, maybe I am doing it and don't know it?

So I continue on with my life spreading a smile and happiness as often as I can. I try to be aware of what I can do for others when I feel I should take action. I don't always think I need to take action but need to observe and take notice I pay attention to how I react to the moment and I try to start over if I am heading in the wrong direction. I have concluded in my life that I have the power in the day to control it and allow how good a day I will have.

Location:Portland St,Houston,United States

Time goes by

I have to say that I haven't had a lot of down time. I start my mornings at around 5:30 am and I don't get to crawl into bed until midnight. I am not complaining. But it makes time fly so fast.

It's hard to believe we are pushing into the middle of October. The year just started the day before yesterday. I hate the thought of the holidays just around the corner. I can't believe that my baby is going to be 10 next month.

I digress. Since all the issues with my house it seems like I am going, running, doing every minute of the day. I have so much to take care of it seems that there is no end in sight. Working for my partner has made it that much more difficult to find down time.

But I have to say I am fortunate to have such high class problems. I have more than one roof over my head, I have food on my table and I want for nothing. I could use a little more sleep but I have a loving family, my spirituality and my sobriety.

I am fortunate to know that I can no longer do drugs and drink. I am lucky to be able to look at my family and know that I will not put them through that again. I do not like who I become. Neither do they.

I am so fortunate.

Settling in

We finally moved into our apartment and what a nice relief that is. Living in a hotel for 6 weeks is nice at first but is a pain in the ass after a while. I missed my kitchen and cooking. Eating out at restaurants gets old real fast.

This year has been a major experience in change. Nothing is the same as it was a year ago and that is okay. My job is different, my home is different. The two major things that cause stress on your body have happened to me. This year has been learning to roll with whatever happens.

I am glad that I am not drugging and drinking. I can see if I was I would be a mean mess. I have learned that I can't ever go back to that life style again. If I did all my fears and negative qualities would become me. I have learned that being sober and clean for me allows me to realize the untruths I tell myself and stay away from them by acknowledging my negative thinking.

I have made a lot of changes in my life. I have changed routines in my life that left me frustrated. I am working on getting fit and finding new outlets. I am at a point where I have given up the thinking I can't and have focused on the I cans.

I am grateful for my life and all I experience.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

Happy Where I Am

Today I can't ask to be more grateful for where I stand today. I have been sober and clean for just over 2 years. I feel in the last few months things have gotten where I understand myself better. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. That was a really big problem for me. Actually it wasn't about taking me seriously, but everything in my life seriously.

I think today I realize I have no real control of the things I worry about. I never stopped to recognize that everything, and I mean everything works out in the end. You can't stop it, because everything has an end.

So life is crazy and happy. We are moving into an apartment this weekend. We are going to have to gut our house and we are going to have a big lawsuit. I could look at all of this and say, "Where are we going to get the money to pay for another place." "How long could this go on?" "What if we don't win?"

But as I have recently learned to do is pretend I am on a roller coaster and throw my hands in the air. You can't jump off and you have to wait for the end.

I am thankful for my spirituality that is teaching me to get through life on a day to day basis. If I just take it moment to moment, step by step I know I can handle anything.

Location:MD Anderson Blvd,Houston,United States