Tuesday, November 16, 2010

You have no idea.

A friend of mine and I were talking about being sober and clean. I had no idea while I was in the midst of of my addition to see the clarity that I gained being sober and clean.

I'm not talking about not putting something in your body for a week or a month. I'm talking about really cleaning your system out and truly gaining a clear head. You really do have to let the fog rise and see with different eyes.

It's amazing for me to see how my moods, my judgment, my out look on life has really changed by not being colored by chemicals that don't belong in my system.

I hated work so I would wake up first thing in the morning and start smoking weed at 4:30 in the morning. I would then have coffee and a Xanax to prepare to go to the office. Once I was in the office my focus was to get out of there as quick as I could so I could smoke more weed. Because of the uncomfortable dynamics of the office I would pop another Xanax to alleviate the emotional pain that I was feeling. As I look back now I understand how much of the anxiety and pain I was feeling was generated by me. I also can see now that the environment I was in wasn't the healthiest either. I worked in a place that instead of truly dealing with their employees in a respectful professional way they choose to look the other way and ignore as much as possible because they didn't want to deal with the real issues at hand. To this day I hear most of the employees are very unhappy there. But I digress.

My life has changed so much for the better once I decided that a sober clean life really is the answer. I also had to acknowledge that there is something out there, bigger than myself. The world doesn't revolve around me. I do have a say in how I am going to live my life. I am no longer just letting life happen , I am participating in the decisions that affect my life. I am able to make good, sound decisions for myself. Yes, I still screw up, but I have learned to not take myself or anything too serious. To me that is the secret to a serene life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Drink, drugs, no thank you

It has been an interesting week. It has been a week of looking at my self and others and comparing them to me. I like where I am and I want to stay on the path that I am on.

I am grateful to have the experience of seeing messy drunks and loving that I choose not to be that way. Not even one drink. I don't like how I feel during and after the experience.

I am grateful that when I run into the same homeless people I see on a daily basis that it reminds me that I was thinking that could be an option for me when I was in the peak of my drug and alcohol usage. I remember thinking all I would have to do was take off, disappear and no one would really care. Life would be that much more easier. It just goes to show how diluted my thinking became.

I am grateful when I see friends that use and think it's a normal way of life. It's funny how I could can get caught up into thinking that a little weed here, a few pills here a cocktail here is normal for everyday life. But I have learned it is not. I have come to realize how blurry my thinking was. How I always felt pity for me and I wanted everyone to feel the same for me. I was focused on me in a very wrong way. I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities as a parent. I wasn't taking responsibility in my job. I wasn't being the partner I needed to be. I wasn't focused on a higher power that I believed would work for me. I had expectations but they were for everyone else and how they should care and look at me. It was pour me. I lived for the pity party.

But today I have a very different view of me and my life. I try to be of service in someway to others. I do try to lead by example. I try to pick kindness over bitchiness. It doesn't always work, but it is in the forefront of my thinking. I chose to let people in that cut me off in traffic. I choose to help someone when it seems like they need help. I give money to people on the street that seem like they really need it. I am more aware of choosing kindness than I ever have been. And it pays me back in ways I never thought I would feel. It makes me feel good in my heart.

There is enough drugs or alcohol that can do that.

Have a great week.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I am not sure what to write about today, but I do know this.

I love my life,
I love my family,
I love my God,
I love how far I have come,
I love the surprise of the journey ahead of me.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States