Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
"What if..." I am Grateful for today's refection from "A Day A Time." I can catch myself saying to myself, "What if I don't make it?" "What if I run out of money?" "What if something major happens in my life?" Thankfully, because of the program, I can stop myself and say "Wait a minute, one day at a time." I can project myself into a frenzy if I don't make myself realize that it is this very moment I am living in, not any further ahead. I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis.
Spring. I dropped my son off at school yesterday and on my way home I had the sun roof open and I could smell the fresh cut grass, the morning birds were singing there quiet morning song. It brought me that feeling of everything is okay. I love those moments of peaceful bliss.
Determination. I am Grateful to keep going. I don't know what the hell I am doing, but I am determined to do it and figure it out alone the way.
Gratification. I am Grateful for the long days of working hard. I am enjoying starting my day early and ending it late in the evening. Sometimes I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as I wanted to in the day. But the idea that I am doing it for myself, sober and happy makes all the difference in the world.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The threat of snow is gone. You would have thought we were going to have a nuclear winter the way they were hyping the snow. For Houston, we don't typically get snow at the end of February. I live here because we have very mild winters and weather when it comes to being cold and the winter season. I know I don't have much to complain about as the rest of the country, but I know what I like and that's warm weather, bring it on.
Banishing Fear. I live in fear on a daily basis. But I don't wallow in it. I'm learning to let it exist in my life, but I don't have to wrap it around me and stop me from moving about in my life. To deal with my fears I avert my eyes from it so to speak and look in the other direction. Much like when I see a little creature that was killed in the street. It's unpleasant, I know it's there, but I don't have to stop and look at it. I can look in the other direction, pass it and then it's behind me. I'm still driving in my car and it didn't derail me.
How fantastic my life has become. O-M-G! Have I told you how I am so fortunate that I have been given the life of freedom of drugs and alcohol and the gift of communication with a higher power, one day at a time!? Just checking to see if you are paying attention. I love my life.
Being Grateful. To have learned that I need to be Grateful on a daily basis. To actually stop and think about what it was like, what happened and what it is like for me now. To be Grateful for everything and everybody in my life. And I don't mean to be Grateful just in the morning but all through my day. This keeps me centered and happy and away from thinking about the negative, self sabotaging thinking that is based in fear.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Freedom is choosing. This is from today's "A Day At A Time." "We lose the fear of making of decisions, for we realize that if our choice proves wrong, we can learn from the experience." I am grateful that I have gained confidence in my decisions and I realize that my choices are not the end of the world.
Unknown friends in AA. Yesterday I needed physical labor help. What will someday be my studio is currently a storage room. I needed an extra pair of hands to help move things to Charity, garbage or repack to store elsewhere. I was glad that I could call an unemployed fellow AA-er and pay him. What was nice is that we could fellowship about how great the program works for each of us. And even though I didn't know this person it allowed me to trust him, which is something I would not normally do with just anyone off the street.
Work. I am grateful for the work that is in front of me. I'm finding I am working 12 to 15 hours a day to get my business going. The best part of it is that it doesn't feel like work. I don't dread it, I have goals and I don't feel like I have to please anyone and I don't have to wonder if my performance is up to par. THANK YOU GOD!
Friends and Family. I am grateful to have so many people to care for and that care for me in my life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Staying Present. When I was using I would stick my head in the sand and pretend that nothing was going on and totally ignore everything that was happening that I needed to deal with. Today I hold my head high and experience the moments and deal with them with a much more level head. I'm happy to say that it doesn't hurt as much as I use to thing it would.
My Sanity. At least what is sane for me. I'm learning to recognize when I'm getting off track and I can bring myself back to center.
Art. There is so much creativity around us, presented to us as art. Sculptures, paintings, signs, advertising, graffiti tags. It's everywhere we look. I'm grateful to have a hypersensitivity towards art and recognize it throughout my day.
Children. To quote Art Linkletter, "They say the darnedest things." What free creative little minds that they have by not having life's influences affect them to a degree as we older kids have.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
More sleep. I had a very heavy dinner last night which seemed to make it impossible to sleep. I fell asleep really fast, but then I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. The good part of it was since I couldn't sleep I was was able to watch tutorials on Wordpress for my website and got a lot of answers that I was wondering about. I was only able to sleep in until 6:30 but I feel great.
Friends in the program. I met with a friend after the meeting yesterday and we had lunch and talked. It was the best thing for me to do. She helped me realize how much I have actually accomplished in 3 weeks. I have gotten a lot done. I have been beating myself up and telling myself it's not enough and I can't do what I think I can do. But that lunch made me realize yes I can do what I put my mind to.
Ass backwards day. Because I haven't followed my normal routine this morning, everything is ass backwards today. And you know what, it's working out just fine. I don't think I want it this way everyday, but it's okay.
My partner and son. I'm going to miss my partner today, he's off to Mexico on business for the next two days. I am so lucky to have him in my life and he is so good to me. On the way to drop my son off at school he exclaimed how happy he was. He's always happy. But I am so glad he is verbal about it. It's a good feeling to know that the negative parenting I think I do may not be true.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A new day. Yesterday was a great day, but at the end of the evening I was ready to put it away. I am grateful for the challenges that were presented to me and how I was able to handle them without the need for drugs and alcohol. Today is a fresh and free of yesterday and has no idea of tomorrow.
Prayer and meditation. I'm still learning what works for me. How I talk and how I receive information. At times it seems futile, and I think why waste my time. But it's those special moments of too many coincidences that have happened in my life that show me something bigger than myself is giving me what I'm asking for. Not always in the pretty box I want it to come in, but it shows up just the same.
Answers. I am grateful for what I have and what is coming to me in my life. When I get a little frustrated I have to review the chain of events to see it is getting me where I want to go. Not exactly as I design it, but the changes are happening all the same. That is when I have to be sure I am aware of my higher powers presences and let go and have faith life will work out as it should.
After re-reading what I have written I can see a theme here. It may be redundant, but I am happy to share it just the same.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sleep. I am grateful for the sleep I have been getting lately. I'm learning to allow myself that it's okay to sleep when I feel like I need it. Sometimes I torture myself to keep going not allowing myself one of the basic needs of my human condition. I am realizing that if I wear myself thin I'm not able to accomplish the goals I am working towards.
The beautiful day yesterday. It was a teaser, but all the same, it was beautiful. It made it up to about 71 degrees and sunny. Then the north wind blew in and dropped the temperature about 25 degrees. But I am so glad I was able to enjoy the day.
Music. This weekend was a weekend of classical music. We went to a really great Roco conductorless concert at St. John's Church performed by classical musicians from around the country. They performed Bach's piano concerto in D minor, Beethoven's fifth symphony, Jacob's old wine in a new bottle and Chen Yi Shuo for Chinese New Year. Their special performer was guest pianist, Simone Dinnerstein. We had seats to the left of the stage with a flat screen right in front of us to view the performance up close. I am so grateful to have witnessed such beautiful music in person. Then on Sunday, my son had his performance with the Houston Youth Orchestra. He was picked as one of the lead violinist in his section which was a really great honor for him. He amazes me. I want to be just like him when I grow up.
In the moment. I'm grateful that I do not regret my past and I try to live right now. I can throw myself into a tizzy if I think to far ahead. I am so grateful to be much more aware of how I think and what I am doing to myself at times. I just tell myself to look down at my feet, because that is where I am right now.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Love. I am so grateful for my partner and my son and to have them to celebrate Valentines Day with.
Music. My son has a performance with the Houston Youth Orchestra. I like to see him be nervous before a performance and the watch the calm come over him when they perform.
Blogging from my iPod. I slept in for a change so my day is a little out of sync. I blogging on the fly. Please forgive spelling and grammar errors.
Sunday morning meetings and breakfast at One's A Meal with friends.
Happy Valentines Day. Love yourself.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Laughter I love to laugh. I am one of those people that doesn't act right in situations that you should. Even when I'm sad, I still have a pretty good sense of humor. My partner and I were at a memorial service one time. We were at the point where everyone was standing and praying. I happened to notice that his fly was down. I leaned over and told him with a grin on my face that his zipper was down. We broke out in uncontrollable laughter that we had to mute to to the best of our ability. Another time we went to see Yo-Yo Ma with a friend and we had second row seats. There was a pause in the music and my friend leaned over to me and said "I think he forgot what he was playing." That sent us both into hysterical laughter. I thought Yo-Yo Ma was going to fling his bow at us. The point is, that laughter is such a great release. I don't get those kinds of laughs to often and I am grateful when they happen.
Another day sober. I'm grateful that lately it hasn't been a struggle to be sober either. A few weeks ago, not so much. I never really want to use, but I feel like I've gotten to the point that I don't even think of using as a option. I am grateful to see all the good that has come from my sobriety and the serenity that I have even when life is hectic. I don't want to mess with that. Clarity is a wonderful thing.
Love. I have more love in my life and I'm so much more willing to give it away. That I am grateful for.
Being Supportive. I was at a meeting yesterday and I just said a simple thing to someone at the meeting. Later I received a text from them saying thank you for being supportive. I love those moments when I can help someone without even thinking about it.
Change. As scary as it is for me right now. I don't know where I am going, but I am going no matter what.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Surprises. This morning when I looked at my email I had a Facebook notification from someone I have know for years that friended me. I haven't seen him in a long time. The surprise I am grateful for is that it looks like he has gotten sober. Yeah for him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him, but I will and I hope life is good for him.
My Blogging Friends. It is so great to hear from you all and to be able to read what is going on in your lives. It's really wonderful to witness the experiences you all are having on a day to day basis. It's great to be a part of your lives in some way.
The continuous rain we are having. I'm appreciating that my lawn is green and any plants that make it through this Houston winter season will thrive from all the water they are getting. I am grateful I am not on the east coast under numerous feet of snow. I can complain I'm wet and cold, but I'm so glad I'm not out there shoveling snow.
The here and now. It's not what I plan it to be, but I'm okay with what it is.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sleep. I usually always get up at between 4 and 5 in the morning. I forgot to set my alarm last night and I had the fortune of sleeping in until 6:00 a.m. Normally I would have freaked out and would have been in a panic. Today, I was grateful to get the sleep I needed. My body had the chance to sleep through the night uninterrupted and get the rest it obviously needed.
Being Sober. I still can't believe how nice life is without the influence of drugs and alcohol. To have sober clarity is just something I couldn't image when I was caught in the depths of my addiction. Of course life isn't all sunny days and happy endings. But it is so much more than it was before. I'm not sitting around thinking this is happening to me, I'm experiencing what is happening and looking at my options and making the better choice. I'm not trying to make square things fit into round holes. I realize that's impossible and I don't need to bother trying because it just doesn't work. Being sober allows me to look at things a little more logically and not to not react so emotionally to everything. It really does give me serenity.
Today. For all the unknown things that I am going to experience happen today and the things that I will be accomplishing.
My dog Ina. She is sweet and loving. I am grateful that she likes to keep and eye on me during the day and stays close to my side.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My son. He brings me so much laughter and happiness. He is amazingly happy all the time. I strive to be happy everyday, but this child wakes every morning in a happy, good mood. I think back on the day he was born and the nurse said to us "That child is a miracle because he should not have been alive when he was born." The umbilical cord was around his neck twice, it had a knot in the cord, and he had defecated before he was born. He was active and going the second he was born. He hasn't stopped since. I always tell him he is an example of how I want to be.
Opposition. With every step I take I have to take one step back. And it's okay. I see how I am learning from it. As frustrating as opposition is it allows me to still move forward. Being sober has allowed me to keep going when in the past I would say "I can't" and quit.
Northern Winds. I love when the wind blows from the north, I can hear the trains that are about a mile away from my house. My son is a train fanatic and has been his whole life. Because he is so into trains I have become so aware of them. I love laying in bed and can sometimes actually hear the metal of the wheels on the tracks as well as hear the whistle blow when it crosses intersections.
Gina. We were friends since we were 16. She died about 3 years ago this month. Her drug and alcohol use got to her before sobriety could. She was one of the examples in my life to make me realize I was not headed in a good direction. I miss her. I think of her now and think how lost she was. She got up one Sunday morning and put her head down at the computer and died with a glass of wine and a bowl of weed next to her with 19 different prescription drugs running through her system. She was in the middle of sending a joke email to friends about the difference between and Irishman and his wife and a six pack of beer. I don't know the joke, but it's ironic that it was a joke about alcohol.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Differences. In "A Day At A Time" this was the topic for today. Interestingly I didn't know what I wanted to blog about today, but that hit a good point for me. I get caught up in the opinions of other people and I can end up letting their opinions affect how I think or go through my day. Those were the reasons I used drugs and alcohol because I would take their opinions or their differences of how I think to heart. Today I am learning that people are always going to have opinions how I should be going through my life and how I should be living my life. I would begin to doubt my plan of action because they didn't believe I was capable to follow through with my plan. During my addiction, they were probably right. That's where the negative thinking would start to fester in me and I would slowly loose sight of whatever path I was following. Today I am learning that others can have their difference of opinions for my life, but I have to stay steady with my faith and desire so that I can follow through on my journey in life. I understand that I don't have control of anything, and if it's God's will, then so be it. But I do have the capacity to chart my course and the winds will blow me in the direction I want to go. Sometimes it requires me to change my tack as I move along, but I will end up at the point I am headed for.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Yesterday's Gratitude Meeting. It made me realize that I am on the right track with my life. It was interesting to hear people who have been sober for many years that didn't practice daily the gratitude that they have in their life. Listening to what they shared showed me how unhappy they were. The simple act of being grateful for what I have versus what I don't have accounts for my daily serenity, peace and happiness. One of the biggest is being sober. The simple act of being present physically and emotional is a major gratitude for me.
The work ahead of me. I feel like I am back in school. I have so much to learn right now. Unfortunately, I have a short time to do it. I am so grateful for the full days I have right now, putting all my ducks in a row. As every day passes I see more that I need to learn. Accounting, marketing, daily business practices, more about photography. I'm realizing that I am just scratching the surface. However, it is the first time in my life I recognize I can.
My iPod touch. I have to tell you, that little piece of electronics is a work horse. I use to have a Blackberry for years and my iPod dances around that thing. Sure, the only way I can get emails is to have a wifi connection, but I have found I am never far from wifi if I need it. It allows me to access the web, carry images, books, my to do lists, calendar and contacts. It even acts as a phone if I have wifi access using Skype. Not to mention music, movies and I even download AA recovery podcasts from iTunes for free. If you don't want to buy an iPhone, iPod is the way to go. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a geek?
Learning to be positive. I am so grateful for my positive attitude and happiness. To be grateful for whatever happens is not a concept I have entertained most of my life. By practicing one day at a time, it has allowed me to move into a place that is comfortable and somewhat easy. I'm not saying there aren't challenges, believe me, there are. But it's how I decided to tackle them makes all the difference in my day. I can let it eat my lunch, or I can walk away from it with a positive attitude that it will allow me to work through it and take the next right step.