Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My past, present and future. Yesterday was probably one of the most profound experiences in my life that most people will not have the luck to experience. My going away party was like a birthday, wake and kick off to a new life all wrapped into one. Being sober and spiritual has allowed me to to be quiet and listen during yesterday's luncheon and to be shown what I think my life is, and what my life really isn't like in my own head, all at the same time. I know this all sounds much like I am tooting my own horn but I want others to see is how dead wrong we are about our own thinking. If one person reads this and my words makes them stop and think when they are having a bad day that we can't see clearly sometimes. Then it is worth tooting my horn. There were so many times I had thought that I wanted to end my life and it wouldn't be a big deal it would be better for me and everyone involved. I did not know my own life. I was shown that I had an integral part in helping that law firm be what it is today. I am sad for all the time lost by the miserable thinking that I had through the years. I am so grateful for the last 17 months of sobriety to realize that the on the opposite side of my addict there was the person that I am and will always be that did shine through and played the part I was meant to play. To be acknowledge by the two biggest partners in the firm of my contribution was a mircle of God showing me, even healing me, to help me move on to my new life. One of the secretaries put together about a 10 or 15 minute presentation that was so unbelieveable. It showed me and eveyone in the firm our life through the years. I was able to show my gratitude with a little speech. I was stressing over it. but, you know, I don't remember what I said, but I do remember the gratitude flowed out without effort. I had my wits about me through the whole experience. Well, that was until the end when they gave me an unbelieveable gift. They gave me a Nikon d3x. I burst into tears, not really about the gift, but the whole experience. True the gift is something I could never buy myself at this point. But they are supporting my talents as a photographer and telling me if you did what you did at the firm, then you can certainly do for yourself. I will be forever grateful for my life, past, present and future.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wrapping it up. Wow, today is the day. It's the last day of my career as an administrator at a litigation law firm. It's also the start of a career that I have dreamed about for over 20 years. I feel at peace this morning. I have been so fortunate for over 25 years I have learned, experienced, loved, cried and everything in between. I have spent half of my life in that career. I am grateful to have been so lucky to have had people that have believed in me for so long. I am eternally grateful that I have been so blessed in my life. The firm is having a big luncheon for me at 12 this afternoon. The partners are giving me such a nice send off. I feel so honored that they are doing this for me. I have my reservations about being the center of attention, as I have never enjoyed that. However, it is going to give me a chance to truly thank them for everything and to show them the gratitude I have towards them and the kindness they are bestowing on me. They are truly a part of my life I will miss.
Honoring myself. I realized this morning I still lack in thinking I am worth it. I had to stop and think about my past because it has to do with my future today. I get caught up in the I cannot and I'm not able and not me I'm not worthy. I had to look back and think, wait a minute, look what you have done. I have pulled off some pretty miraculous feats during my career. When I was asked to do them I just rolled up my sleeves and did the work and came out shinning in the end. I guess what I am allowing myself to hear today is, the door is closing on my past, and a new door is opening for me. I can grasp the challenges ahead of me in the same way. Even though the door is closing it's not solid, it's glass and I can see through it and see what I have done to remember that I need to honor myself today for the many talents I have been given.
This morning. I wasn't able to sleep with all that is running through my mind with things I have to get done and all the events of the coming day. I woke up at 3 and finally got out of bed at 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't lay there any longer. I got out of bed, made coffee and started my morning writing, praying, and meditating, and blogging. Then it hit me how wonderfully sober I am. Before I got sober I would have started hitting the pipe first thing then off to swallow a few prescriptions to start my day. The clarity I have today is beyond what I could have ever dreamed of. I am so grateful that I crashed and burned and lived to be where I am today.
Love. I feel it all around these days. I get it from my family, I get it from the people I work with, I get it from my drunks and addicts at AA. I have never felt love in my life like I do today. How much more grateful can I be?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Change from the inside out. That is today's passage from A Day At A time. I have never been so aware that it all starts with me. If I am willing to change things on the inside, things will get better on the outside. That is so clear to me that it starts with me and it's possible. The hard part is accepting I need to change, and for me, to be willing to change, if I want the peace and happiness I say is/was missing from my life.
The glass is half full. As I was praying and meditating this morning that expression came to me in my thoughts. Then it dawned on me that I don't like that expression. It stops short. In my life, the glass is overflowing. In my mind I use to see a wine glass that was half full. Then I thought to myself that it's a bit small for my life. I have so much. So I changed it to a glass, see through big gulp size mug and it's overflowing onto the ground like one of those fountains you see that has a water tap hooked to nothing but water keeps flowing out of it. My life is overflowing with everything I need.
Sunday Breakfast. The last couple of months I have been going to breakfast with friends after the Sunday morning meeting. During the week I never have been able to go to lunch because I had to get back to work. Sunday is a fun group of people that changes from week to week but typically it's the same core of individuals. It's a new routine that I enjoy participating in. I am grateful to be around such a diverse group. Thanks guys!
Right now. I am grateful that I learned to look down at my feet to concentrate on right now. In five minutes this blog will be in my past. I have to concentrate on this moment. I'm excited about the future, I have lots of irons that I am preparing to put in the fire. But I have to concentrate on right now. Right now is what I need to do to continue changing. Right now is what I have to look at how I can help others. Right now is where I need to be to not pass judgement on others or myself. If I just focus on right now I am learning to stay out of the regrets and away from the fear.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Realizing that I am not a victim. In the past few months I was really stuck in the notion of "Why is my life like this?" Sober or not, I can view my life as it's happening to me. I never stop to think that it's my own thinking and actions that is making me see my life as a victim. When I step out of this thinking and take action instead of being centered in self pity I find I do have the ability to change. Victim is a state of mind for me.
Yesterday's beautiful day. Friday was an unbelievable beautiful day. The weather was perfect. I went out for an appointment at lunch and took my time returning to work. On the way back to work I went to a pizza place and sat outside in the sun. It was so beautiful. I returned to work and went to a meeting. Packed up the rest of my personal belongings, packed my car and went home to enjoy a run in the late afternoon. Yesterday was one of those miracles.
The Blogging Community. I am so inspired by the communications I have been receiving as well as the new blogs I find everyday. To be able to relate to so many people has been so rewarding for me. Thank God for the similarities, to know I am not alone.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Fear. I know it's an odd thing to be grateful for, but I have a lot of it in my life today. I always have and it's kept me frozen. With the changes that are happening in my life and a future unknown, it lives and breathes as big as life. I'm grateful for it because I am learning that it is self generated. I am learning that I am my own worst enemy that is telling me the worst possible scenarios. Fear lives to tell me I cannot. I am grateful that I am learning that through my Higher Power, God, the Universe whatever that strength is and meditation I don't have to believe in fear. I'm learning to let it be there, but I don't have to entertain it's tactics that it uses on me to run and hide. It's the old endless loops of negativity that I have cognitively become very aware of that fear enters into my life.
Running. It's been a part of my life for over 22 years. I had the most difficult time getting back to running after I recovered because I use to smoke weed and run. I would go out and run 11 miles while most people would sit on the sofa and eat potato chips. After I was sober it made it very difficult to get back into running because I didn't have that little extra kick to get me out there. But now I am back and I am embracing my sober running for the first time. I have found it's a great way to pray and communicate with my Higher Power. It's a good way for me to plan and re-think things I am working on or things that are issues in my life. It also allows me to work towards positive goals in my life. I have the Rodeo Run coming up at the end of February that I love. To be in a crowd of 10,000 people all excited about the same thing is very invigorating for me.
Being Sober. It takes work and when I look back it seemed so impossible. I had the mentality of why would you want to be sober? God put all these chemicals on the planet for us to use. I don't know if I believe God put anything anywhere for us. I think it's more we, as human beings discover things and what we do with them is our own will. Just because they're there doesn't mean I have to use them. There are so many things I could chose to do or not do and what kind of affect they would have on my life. Being sober takes work, it is a disease. Yet at the same time by not indulging in the chemicals of my choice it is like taking my medicine by abstaining for a great life that unfolds every day.
The 12 Principles. Honesty, Hope, Faith, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Discipline, Perseverance, Awareness of God and Service. I have to say, I didn't know they were lacking in my life. As I look at my life today I realized I had no principles at all and how undirected and careless my life was for me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Momentum. As I go through the changes that are happening in my life, I realize that it has it's own momentum. At the same time I realize that I have to pay attention to the speed I am moving and that it can coast and lose speed if I don't keep focused on where I am going and what I am doing. The same goes for my sobriety. I have to keep an eye on it and pay attention to myself. I have to stay in the gratitude of where I am. I realize if I don't I start to coast and my willingness and my serenity changes. For me, I have to continue to keep my eye on the prize and I keep moving forward at a pace that keeps me balanced running smoothly without wobbling to and fro.
My life. I never use to look at it as what a journey I am on. How fortunate that I am learning so much about my life as a human being, I am able to see the importance of how I treat others, my spirituality, how that is connects everything. The bittersweet life I sometimes think I have, but in the larger picture, it is oh so sweet.
Knowing I am grateful. Never in my life prior to my sobriety did I stop to be as grateful as I am today. I superficially knew I had a good life, however, I never was thankful for what I had. Now, through my blogging and my pray and meditation, I am present in my gratefulness. I step away from the negative thinking. That negative thinking moves me into the center of me, opening up the feelings of ungratefulness which for me, pull me into a place I lived for so long in my life that wasn't healthy. Of course, until I got sober, I couldn't be grateful for what I have today.
My family. From my immediate family of my partner and son and my son's nanny that cares for him (and us!) when we can't. My parents. As difficult it is to relate to them sometimes, I am so grateful they are still around at this point in my life. They are both characters that I have developed from, both good and bad. My brother and his family. I wish we were closer, distance -wise, he's a good funny man that can make me laugh. My sister and her husband. They have been estranged from me for the last 10 years. They are both strongly living in their addictions and their points of view. She was my best friend until up until 10 years ago. I pray that she becomes willing to be part of the family. My door is always open, that is all I can do.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Higher Power. It took me a trip to the emergency room and ending up in the cardiac unit of the hospital and severe depression that lead me to rehab to realize a power greater than myself was missing from my life. I was 49 years old and I was already on some kind of quest that I knew something was missing. I was interested in A Course in Miracles and was already being lead to spirituality. It was after I was out of detox and started participating in rehab that I learned that AA was a program of spirituality. I remember thinking, "Wait a minute, I think I need to leave now!" But I was at the end of my rope. I had tried everything else. I was someone who had just started to realize before my downfall that there had to be something out there to help me. But what? How much it would help me was beyond my capacity to understand. I am so grateful those thoughts were fleeting in rehab, and I continued with my recovery. I often realize now, that when I started to believe there was something bigger than myself out there, my eyes opened from a life that I felt like I was sleeping through. I gained direction.
Determination. I have a really strong sense of it today. I have been in my current career in the legal field for over 25 years. Two weeks ago I decided to leave the firm. I make a decent salary, but the environment was killing me. For the last 3 years I have been very unhappy. Causing me to be stuck in an emotional rut. By making that decision to leave has been the most empowering moment of my life. I am restarting my career as a portrait photographer. As every day passes to the end of the month when I leave, I am seeing someone I haven't seen in myself or possible have I ever known. I am seeing determination that has never lived in me. That is sobriety and faith as well as using the tools I have learned through AA.
Kindness. The kindness I have to give and the kindness that I receive. I work at giving it out everyday. I realize I drop the ball on occasion, but I make that my main motive throughout the day. At least on a face to face basis. I'm still working on expletives that come out of my mouth when bad drivers are around me. Even that isn't so often. But the most important person I am working on being kind to is myself. When I am kind to myself, I naturally start being kind to others.
Today. I'm really learning to appreciate every single day. When the day starts it's almost like going to see a good movie. I have no idea what it's about but it's always entertaining. I have a choice of how emotionally involved I want to get with it. Today is all I need to focus on, not yesterday and not tomorrow. One day at a time.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sanity. Okay, I realize that's all within reason. Sure, I still have my crazy moments. Now I can see the calm, slow, thought-out process that typically was not involved in my day to day thinking when I was really insane. First, I'm not focused on when I am going to get high next, how can I ditch the family and what scripts do I have left and where can I get more? Then in the evening I would drinking wine to cover up how I was acting. Not that I drank everyday, but most days. It was a very busy process to go through everyday. That was like a full time job. Drugs were everyday with me. As a drinker, I am more of a binge drinker. Not daily even. Just all of a sudden out of no where, I would drink to excess, unable to control it. My reasoning was so I could cope with the terrible life poor me had. How nuts is that? Second, I don't have to deal with the stupid arguments that were part of my daily routine in the family. Insane arguments I was sure I was right about. I look back now and just can't believe my actions through all that.
Pause. I remember when I would always have to get my say in. I had to be heard, I had to be right, if you would just listen to what I say, you and the whole world would agree with me. I'm learning, you can feel a certain way and you can let it go. You don't have to tell someone they're being unreasonable, evil, unkind, two-faced or whatever. I'm learning to pause and walk away. Because it's none of my business. If someone asked me directly I still pause for a moment. I wait a minute and then I try to work from kindness. I'm learning we all have our own paths and our own time to learn. Through pause I think I am gaining clarity, caring for others and wisdom. I'm not saying that I am perfect, as we all know, it is progress, not perfection. "Grin and bear it " can be the best action I can take.
Skills and talents. Remembering I have these gifts. For a while there I forgot who I was. I was so stuck in no wheres land that I forgot that I have all kinds of skills and talents. I think I will make today the day I am going to focus on what I have to offer myself. Instead of telling myself all the things that suck in my life. I have given this thinking up, but I am going to realize all the great skills and talents I have to bring to the table so to speak. As I move forward I have to be positive about what I have and how each of those skills and talents are blessings that are going to be useful in a very positive way. I am really grateful I have so many talents.
My past. The good, the bad and the ugly. The ugly parts and the bad parts lead me to where I am to day. I really don't think I would be as spiritually connected if I didn't have all that past to reflect on. The past to me also means memories, because all of it is just a memory now. There are a lot of good memories, the ones I can remember. Those are the memories I need to focus on today. For example, the picture below is of our first dog. His name was Mozart. He was just like Marmaduke. Every time you would ask him if he wanted to go to Walmart, he would turn his head like in the photo. That dog taught me how to be a good the good parent I am today. I miss that sweet boy. But, such is life.
Have a great Sunday, do what you love.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Yesterday's meeting. It was really great. Criticism both from me and back at me. It was interesting to listen to the shares. To see how people took the word criticism. Being criticised or doing it to others. I'm one of those people that gets criticized by everyone and I criticize myself along with me being critical of others. In the last few weeks I am realizing that I'm giving up on that negative, crazy thinking about myself. I don't have to do it and I don't have to believe it. I can believe all the good that I have to give, do in life and that I am capable. No matter what the endless loop says. I'm learning that I can replace that negative stinkin thinkin, with positive, loving thoughts that can move me forward. I'm also learning that my defense mechanism is judgement of others. Maybe I do that because I feel less than something inside comparing myself to them somehow? Not sure why I do it. What helps me is to realize lately that each and every one of us has a soul, every one of us, and they all came from the same place. To me that makes us connected. So what I do to others, I do to myself.
Service. I was able to hand out chips yesterday. When I was asked if I would hand them out took them and said yes. I didn't even hesitate. It made me see how far I have come. In the past, I would have sat there through the meeting and worried about it. I didn't, I actually forgot that I accepted the service. My confidence is growing and I am comfortable. I don't know if it's learning what happens during meetings and knowing it's just part of the program. I like to believe it's the change in me with the comfort of all my friends in the room. It's the ability to not criticize myself in front of everyone.
Movement. Oh how wonderful life is when I am unstuck. I was stuck for so long that I forgot that I could move freely. I started therapy a few weeks ago and just by that action to help myself has caused an amazing turn around in my life. I asked God, the Universe, whatever you want to call the powers that be, for help by way of a third party that could help me. I found a wonderful person that is spiritually like me. I am grateful I found her. I am also grateful for my sponsor. I was pretty much at the end of my rope not long ago. Being sober for about 14 months and not really having a sponsor wasn't helping me along. I am grateful I found someone that is guiding me in a way that makes me feel comfortable. Through the movement of finding a sponsor it led to my therapist. These two people help me move in my life. I don't have to be stuck in a place that was so uncomfortable that I wanted to take drastic steps. These two people are the miracles in my life that released me. To help me move freely in my life. Much gratefulness to you both.
Art and Music. Yesterday morning, during my morning writing that I do. I write 3 pages, long hand about anything and everything. Something that came up was that I don't do enough Art with my son. I decided that I was going to get every crayon, colored marker, pencils, paint, clay, paper we had in the house and put it into one room. I decided that he and I are going to have an hour a day of Art of some kind. He likes to play on the Wii, computer and Nintendo DS during his free time. That's all well and great, but it's not tactile. I believe he needs more than the isolated realm that he lives in when involved in electronic games. When I got home from work I gathered all that material and brought it to the dining room. (Man I am obviously a compulsive Art shopper, we had a lot.) We sat down and started on our own projects. He was hesitant but drew a picture. Then he had to stop to practice his violin and then after dinner we started to do more work. He didn't want to do it. He so wanted to watch TV or do the Wii. I had to stay strong, be stern and tell him we could have a lot of fun. He complained he didn't know what to do. I then decided to put music on. We played the Black Eyed Peas, "I gotta a Feelin" and that started the ball rolling. Suddenly his inner-architect came out. He decided to build a city, named after himself of course. He cut out buildings, taped them to paper making them 3-dimensional. I worked on my Juvenal like vision board, but it was fun. The words from magazines were jumping out at me. We both had a lot of fun, singing, arting and getting lost in time. When the time to go to bed rolled around, he didn't want to stop. I had to promise we would pick up where he left off in the morning. That is a grateful feeling to know that it was worth the effort I had set out to accomplish. Quality time, with my son that was enriching both of us.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Warmer weather. It is amazing how the temperature changes and so does everyone's mood. At first cooler weather is welcome, but we all know that the warm weather is what really makes us happy. I choose to live in this climate. I know what it's like to live where the sun doesn't shine and it's -50 degrees and everyone is miserable. I am so grateful to walk outside, feel the warm sun shinning down on me. I feel the energy of the sun rejuvenating and recharging me.
Miracles. I never believed in miracles. I never realized how they happen everyday. I always thought that a miracle was something grand and only happened for the masses to see. I never realized that they happen for us each individually on a daily basis if we are just open to them to realize it's God's way of communicating with us to let us know he's listening. I suddenly can say, Ah ha, it's no doubt in my mind that something just changed or impacted me by my willingness to see and understand what just happened. Miracles come in all sizes and shapes. Miracles come to you by way of the radio, conversations with people that gives you goosebumps. They cause Joy to flow through you like you never felt. Miracles comes by way of actions of others or as simple as reading something that brings a deeper meaning to the words on the page that you never felt before. Miracles are answers to prayers. Miracles to me are God letting me know I am heard.
The Third Step Prayer. I have been saying this prayer for over 16 months practically everyday. It's also a prayer for some reason I cannot memorize. I'm working on it. I remember when I was in rehab I found this prayer and it was one of those miracles. I could not believe it was about my issues, right there on paper. How I was really living so centered in myself trying to control everything. It's been a long journey letting go, Letting God, being an example and helping others.
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Progress not perfection. I have to remind myself this everyday. It's my goal for the day to realize that if I look at the work I have done so far I can definitely see the progress. Progress, I am no longer that heap of a mess, feeling worthless and undirected. I have progress and I am thankful to be able to see it.
Pray for the people of Hati. If you would like to help go to the link below.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Rothko Chapel. For inspiration I was going to take my self on an artist date yesterday afternoon to go to the Houston Center of Photography and the Menil Museum. Oddly enough, both places were closed. As I was returning to my car I saw a sign that said Rothko Chapel, and it pointed in the direction to where it was from where I was standing. I got in my car and went to the chapel. I haven't been there in 20 years. It was nice to be lead there on my own. I went in and sat down in front of the darkest of all the art pieces being displayed. I relaxed closed my eyes and tried to get centered. I was amazed at the amount of noise and chatter that was going on inside of me. Even though I meditate in the morning, it made me realize that I need to get centered half way through my day. It made me realize that I push the go button once I'm out of the house making the afternoons seem like too much to do. I could see that by calming myself there it made the afternoon a little more organized. Note to self, "What's the hurry?"
Networking. I am thankful that I am willing to talk to others I don't know and listen. I had about an hour and half conversation with a photographer on the phone that gave me hope that I knew I was doing the right thing. She was a wealth of information, and inspiration. I look forward to meeting her in person. She helped me realize or see exactly what I am going to be all about.
Sobriety. I am so unbelievably grateful that I have no desire to turn to drugs and alcohol as I go through this change, journey or whatever it is that is happening in my life. (The reality that I am creating for myself.) In the past it would have been an excuse to use and abuse. It would have been so the opposite of what I am doing now. I would have been a disorganized mess of grandiose. It would have been so self centered that I couldn't take a step out of the circle that I was spiralling around like water going down a drain.
Because I can. Plain and simple. Even though I was told I could, I never believed it. I was frozen in non-action because that is what I believed. You truly can change but you have to be willing, truly willing to do it. I held myself down and believed it was impossible. Now I believe anything is possible.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Gratitude. Just the point that I can feel gratitude so overwhelmingly today. There are so many times I have to fake it until I make it. The force is strong today. I am moving along a path where I am cognitively making changes in my life. I am letting go of the fear attached to the unknown. I am letting go and letting God do what I could not do for myself. Seriously! I have never felt such an empowerment in my life.
My therapist. I have been seeing different therapists off and on for 30 years. I have always felt they just end up sessions where I sit there and whine and I can't stand it. I never felt like I got anywhere with our meetings. I never felt like I walked away with tools I could use. I have found someone who is exactly spiritually aligned as me. This helps me in so many ways. When I can start with my higher power and then work out the rest of my life through the tools I am learning it brings so much clarity to my life. Unbelievable. I am so grateful.
Amazon Kindle. Seriously! I have Kindle on my iPod. That fact that I can get books in seconds and start reading is unbelievable. I am reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I can't put it down. She is a recovered alcoholic for over 30 years and an artist. I am so fortunate that the teacher presents them self when you are ready.
To be able to listen for the Words of my God that I hear through Friends, Children, AA, Youtube, billboards, TV, Radio, and places I never thought I would hear them speak. I just have to be willing to hear what I need to hear. And I am willing.
I am so grateful for this moment. It's not a pink cloud kind of thing. It's a feeling of truly feeling my connection with my Higher Power. I feel Peace, Happiness, Love and a smile is on my face. I am shedding that old miserable way. I am vibrating and it's not the coffee!
I wish you much love through your day.
This is an added note. I had a comment yesterday that I didn't see until after I posted this blog. I am re-editing it. AKAAnnie suggested that I read the book I started reading. Is that not God talking out loud or what?!
Friday, January 8, 2010
I'm really learning that my life is not by chance and it is by choice. So many times I don't want to believe I have anything to do with my feelings or situation.
Let go and let God. This keeps showing up in my blog because it's a lesson that has to be reinforced with me. It's new to me in the last 16 months. This isn't meant to conflict with my first gratitude today. It's like riding a roller coast. You want to ride it because it's fun. Then you realize when you're ready to go down that steep curvy slope, "What was I thinking!?" You have no choice but to go with it, it's fast, it's uncomfortable, you think you are going to die. Before you know it, you're off the roller coast, walking around laughing. The experience is past and you're feeling more alive than before you got it. But the positive attitude through the ride is my choice while I'm speeding out of control. (At least that's what it feels like to me, even though I know I'm not going to die.) Think about it.
Text messages. The connection I have with my fellow AA's and text messages is almost devine. I have more than once received a message that could not have come at a better time. It is a great connection tool. I enjoy going though my contacts and just sending a message to check on someone to let them know I too am thinking about them and I'm there if they need me.The kindness of the people I know in the last few days. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I love them all. There is positivity in life. http://www.givesmehope.com/
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Following through with my will to change. I have been unhappy at my job for so many years. I have been married to the paycheck. I have decided to leave the firm and pursue photography and to use my talents I have been given.
The support of friends and family.
Moments of clairity.
Letting go and letting God do for me what I couldn't. Amazing.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Running. I have forgotten how much I love running. For so many years I would use drugs and go run. (I know, hard to believe.) I would become so focused on running that nothing else matterered. Or so I thought. I know use my time running to pray and mediate. To feel the ground under my feet. To say hello to people I don't know. I am so grateful I can run.
Knowing that I do take myself too damn serious and that in time things will get better. I just have to be willing.
Learning to let go and let God. it's a daily struggle. Interestingly enough, it comes up in so much of the reading I have been devouring lately. Note to self: "Do you think God is trying to tell you something??!!"
Family and true friends. I have to remember that I am not alone. That is a selfish thought on my part. As horrible as I feel I would cause a lot of pain if I was gone. It isn't all about me is it? Thanks Laura.
Finally working the steps.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Learning rule 62. "Stop taking life so serious." Letting go of negative, ill will thinking towards myself.
Photography. My talent that I forget I have. When I am lost in photographing, time means nothing.
Having honest conversation with a friend. The good that was felt after the conversation knowing they felt lighter and better about it. Simply by being honest and truthful can release so much.
The journey to find out what it is really like to love myself.
Having spirituality. I was so lost before by ignoring my basic need.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I am learning that action is something I have to take. It involves me actually doing something instead of just thinking about it. Actually putting the keys in the ignition, starting the car, putting it in gear and pushing on the gas appears to be a new concept to me.
1 day at a time. Who'da thunk?! You can apply this to anything. I realize how much of a future thinker I am. Try as I might, living right now can get away from me.
Progress, not perfection. The more I think of this the more I start to wonder who I am trying to be perfect for?
Being sober allows me to enjoy my family without the urgent feeling that I have to leave now so I can get high.
This gratitude list to keep me focused on what I have, not the have nots.
On a side note, I want to put out there a prayer for the person(s) who broke into our car in about 7 minutes at Edwards theater off Silber, without damaging the doors or windows, neatly removing the stereo and locking the car again. First, I am thankful we didn't walk up on them where we could have gotten hurt. Second, I am so glad I don't live that life. Can you imagine? Chances are drugs are the reason they have to take from others. I pray they hit their bottom sooner than later and realize that their life can be so much better. I don't care about the stereo, we can replace that. It does bother me how my son reacted and how scared he was. That concept never crossed his mind that people take from others. With the best parenting skills I have, he understands about drugs and the actions people take to get them. (Assuming that drugs are the reason they stole the stereo. Considering 85% of the people who are in jail are incarcerated because of issues related to drugs and alcohol.)
I am grateful we just shrugged our shoulders and moved on!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Celebrating bringing in the New Year with my son. We were banging pots and blowing horns walking down the street. The neighbors little girl was having a sleepover with 5 other girls. My son got to jump on their trampoline with 6 beautiful girls to bring in the new year. He was so happy. What more could I ask for?
Sometimes you have to ask for help. I did and I am grateful that I found someone who is spiritually connected like I am.
Knowing that I can get unstuck if I try.
Learning I have a story and I can change it at will. What story do I really want to live? That is truly the answer I must continue to realize.
People who love me and the people I love.
Happy New Year.