Sunday, January 17, 2010

January 17, 2010

Today I am grateful for:

Sanity. Okay, I realize that's all within reason. Sure, I still have my crazy moments. Now I can see the calm, slow, thought-out process that typically was not involved in my day to day thinking when I was really insane. First, I'm not focused on when I am going to get high next, how can I ditch the family and what scripts do I have left and where can I get more? Then in the evening I would drinking wine to cover up how I was acting. Not that I drank everyday, but most days. It was a very busy process to go through everyday. That was like a full time job. Drugs were everyday with me. As a drinker, I am more of a binge drinker. Not daily even. Just all of a sudden out of no where, I would drink to excess, unable to control it. My reasoning was so I could cope with the terrible life poor me had. How nuts is that? Second, I don't have to deal with the stupid arguments that were part of my daily routine in the family. Insane arguments I was sure I was right about. I look back now and just can't believe my actions through all that.

Pause. I remember when I would always have to get my say in. I had to be heard, I had to be right, if you would just listen to what I say, you and the whole world would agree with me. I'm learning, you can feel a certain way and you can let it go. You don't have to tell someone they're being unreasonable, evil, unkind, two-faced or whatever. I'm learning to pause and walk away. Because it's none of my business. If someone asked me directly I still pause for a moment. I wait a minute and then I try to work from kindness. I'm learning we all have our own paths and our own time to learn. Through pause I think I am gaining clarity, caring for others and wisdom. I'm not saying that I am perfect, as we all know, it is progress, not perfection. "Grin and bear it " can be the best action I can take.

Skills and talents. Remembering I have these gifts. For a while there I forgot who I was. I was so stuck in no wheres land that I forgot that I have all kinds of skills and talents. I think I will make today the day I am going to focus on what I have to offer myself. Instead of telling myself all the things that suck in my life. I have given this thinking up, but I am going to realize all the great skills and talents I have to bring to the table so to speak. As I move forward I have to be positive about what I have and how each of those skills and talents are blessings that are going to be useful in a very positive way. I am really grateful I have so many talents.

My past. The good, the bad and the ugly. The ugly parts and the bad parts lead me to where I am to day. I really don't think I would be as spiritually connected if I didn't have all that past to reflect on. The past to me also means memories, because all of it is just a memory now. There are a lot of good memories, the ones I can remember. Those are the memories I need to focus on today. For example, the picture below is of our first dog. His name was Mozart. He was just like Marmaduke. Every time you would ask him if he wanted to go to Walmart, he would turn his head like in the photo. That dog taught me how to be a good the good parent I am today. I miss that sweet boy. But, such is life.

Have a great Sunday, do what you love.

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