January 11, 2010

Today I am grateful for:

I am alive. Yesterday I was at a meeting and a few people mentioned someone that had ended their life. I had no clue who they were talking about. Another person I know mentioned them in their blog earlier in the week but I had no clue who it was. Then, at breakfast I made the connection and time stopped for a moment and sadness overwhelmed me. Tears started to fill my eyes, but I didn't want to go there. My typical way, I controlled it and stayed with the changing conversation and forgot about it almost as quickly. Later I reflected on it. It truly filled me with sadness. This person seemed so happy to me. Like I had been acting on the outside. From what I could tell, he was a sweet little guy. After our Round up play I sat next to him at a meeting and told him that he had such a great voice for singing and that he should do more singing. He had talent, he had kindness, he was a good person from my interaction with him. But he had what we all have, the horrible things in the inside that no one can relate to. I am sad that he is not around anymore. I am sad that I didn't make a better connection with him. I am not thinking I could have done anything to change his journey, but it makes me keenly aware that I still am guarded, I was with him, I remember acting that way. He is an example to me that I need to be not so afraid of others, be social and enjoy every moment. I think the bigger connection I am feeling is because in the same week, I was running the loops in my head that suicide is the answer. But, in a weeks time, my life changed and I waited long enough for the miracle.

Laughter and flexibility. There is nothing so funny as a 1944 sister act that can make you laugh. My son's uncontrolled laughter while watching the Ross sister's do their thing. He is a happy sole. I have not quite seen anything like them, not in a sister act anyway. If you want to see how you can limber up and take it on the road what this video. http://www.boingboing.net/2010/01/07/potato-salad.html

Eating. I am one of those people that doesn't eat when I get all worked up over something. I have lost 10 pounds without trying, a small gift I know many people would love to have. However, with that comes craziness. I see how not eating spirals my life into a place that is not good, which turns into a catch 22. I am so glad my apatite is back. Sanity comes back.

Happiness. I think I have written more than once about this. I will continue to. Happiness grows from control of my life. It grows from believing in myself, something that I never allowed myself to do. It came from firing the committee in my head, clearing the boardroom and hiring new members. It doesn't come easy. It requires work on my part to stay on the beam and keep focused on one step at a time. It's okay to know I have a mountain to climb. I don't need to worry how am I going to get to the top? I just have to know I am going to get to the top and have faith I will get there and the view is going to be spectacular.

Enjoy your day.