January 16, 2010

Today I am grateful for:

Yesterday's meeting. It was really great. Criticism both from me and back at me. It was interesting to listen to the shares. To see how people took the word criticism. Being criticised or doing it to others. I'm one of those people that gets criticized by everyone and I criticize myself along with me being critical of others. In the last few weeks I am realizing that I'm giving up on that negative, crazy thinking about myself. I don't have to do it and I don't have to believe it. I can believe all the good that I have to give, do in life and that I am capable. No matter what the endless loop says. I'm learning that I can replace that negative stinkin thinkin, with positive, loving thoughts that can move me forward. I'm also learning that my defense mechanism is judgement of others. Maybe I do that because I feel less than something inside comparing myself to them somehow? Not sure why I do it. What helps me is to realize lately that each and every one of us has a soul, every one of us, and they all came from the same place. To me that makes us connected. So what I do to others, I do to myself.

Service. I was able to hand out chips yesterday. When I was asked if I would hand them out took them and said yes. I didn't even hesitate. It made me see how far I have come. In the past, I would have sat there through the meeting and worried about it. I didn't, I actually forgot that I accepted the service. My confidence is growing and I am comfortable. I don't know if it's learning what happens during meetings and knowing it's just part of the program. I like to believe it's the change in me with the comfort of all my friends in the room. It's the ability to not criticize myself in front of everyone.

Movement. Oh how wonderful life is when I am unstuck. I was stuck for so long that I forgot that I could move freely. I started therapy a few weeks ago and just by that action to help myself has caused an amazing turn around in my life. I asked God, the Universe, whatever you want to call the powers that be, for help by way of a third party that could help me. I found a wonderful person that is spiritually like me. I am grateful I found her. I am also grateful for my sponsor. I was pretty much at the end of my rope not long ago. Being sober for about 14 months and not really having a sponsor wasn't helping me along. I am grateful I found someone that is guiding me in a way that makes me feel comfortable. Through the movement of finding a sponsor it led to my therapist. These two people help me move in my life. I don't have to be stuck in a place that was so uncomfortable that I wanted to take drastic steps. These two people are the miracles in my life that released me. To help me move freely in my life. Much gratefulness to you both.

Art and Music. Yesterday morning, during my morning writing that I do. I write 3 pages, long hand about anything and everything. Something that came up was that I don't do enough Art with my son. I decided that I was going to get every crayon, colored marker, pencils, paint, clay, paper we had in the house and put it into one room. I decided that he and I are going to have an hour a day of Art of some kind. He likes to play on the Wii, computer and Nintendo DS during his free time. That's all well and great, but it's not tactile. I believe he needs more than the isolated realm that he lives in when involved in electronic games. When I got home from work I gathered all that material and brought it to the dining room. (Man I am obviously a compulsive Art shopper, we had a lot.) We sat down and started on our own projects. He was hesitant but drew a picture. Then he had to stop to practice his violin and then after dinner we started to do more work. He didn't want to do it. He so wanted to watch TV or do the Wii. I had to stay strong, be stern and tell him we could have a lot of fun. He complained he didn't know what to do. I then decided to put music on. We played the Black Eyed Peas, "I gotta a Feelin" and that started the ball rolling. Suddenly his inner-architect came out. He decided to build a city, named after himself of course. He cut out buildings, taped them to paper making them 3-dimensional. I worked on my Juvenal like vision board, but it was fun. The words from magazines were jumping out at me. We both had a lot of fun, singing, arting and getting lost in time. When the time to go to bed rolled around, he didn't want to stop. I had to promise we would pick up where he left off in the morning. That is a grateful feeling to know that it was worth the effort I had set out to accomplish. Quality time, with my son that was enriching both of us.