Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My friend Dave suggested that I might want to write about Step One. I have gotten to the point that my Gratitude writing was just the action of writing things down and grasping for new feelings I was having a hard time putting my finger on.
First I need to point out that I am really Grateful for so much, everyday. Family, friends, pets, a home, food, health, etc.
Back to Step One. My life became so powerless from drugs and alcohol. I removed the chemicals and found Gratitude. But that hasn't seemed to make my life any more manageable. I have no desire to live the chemical life again. To me it's like learning to drive the speed limit. If I stay within the speed limit the chances of me having a major accident or killing someone else or myself are less. But that doesn't mean the road isn't full of potholes and bumps and that it's any more comfortable to drive down. To me it seems like I can feel the car slamming down into the potholes a little harder and it makes a louder noise as I drive into it.
Manageability. That's what has me by the throat. I'm stuck in the spot that I can't move from. I know what I have to do. If you broke me down into body, mind and soul two out of the three know what to do. It's my mind that I can't seem to get to let go and live.
For the most of the last 3 months I feel like I am stuck in this place I can't move. I'm told to fake it till you make it. I know that I need to give away what I want. I believe that what you believe and tell yourself is what is. That's where I can't manage my life. I know I need a positive attitude, which I have superficially, but deep down inside I have this negative track that runs out of control. That is what I can't let go of, and let GOD or whatever that power is release me. It's as if I am waiting to shut down and be rebooted.
Unmanageably to me is the negative self talk that never stops. As I look at it now it's as if I am addicted to that way of thinking. I have done it my whole life. 51 years of thinking this way is starting to wear me out.
I hope by writing this it shows others that we all suffer in our own secret ways. Alcohol and drugs were merely a symptom of what our true issues are. I can see how life was much more easier and painless when I was drugging and drinking. Being sober is a double edged sword. We have to feel the pain of life without any way of running from it. But, as I said in the beginning of this post I have learned to be Grateful on a daily basis which I never did before.
I will continue to search for my peace and serenity. I know that I have to experience what I have to experience and I am right where I am suppose to be. I don't like where I am and I want to control the journey I am on. But I realize my soul has an agenda that it needs to experience and I can't take control of the the steering wheel, I have to go alone for the ride. No matter how many potholes I have to slam through.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Seeing I have choices. I just have to continue to try and make the right choice every day.
A nice day yesterday. It was a tame, relaxed day. Who could ask for anything more?
A peaceful quiet morning. It's even more peaceful because my son spent the night over a friends house.
I'm okay today. It's the direct opposite of what was going on with myself earlier in the week. I often wonder how sometimes I can be just fine and other times I can't get any crazier? I am so Grateful for being on the less crazy end of the scale this morning.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
I have always loved this prayer. I have been using it for about 16 months. I remember the first time I saw it I was in rehab as I opened my big book and it shouted out at me. It was exactly about me. It was what I needed to hear.
But amazingly I still have days where I can't get past myself. I get stuck in the middle of me and I can't let go. May people offer antidotes like "Do the next right thing" and "This too will pass" and "Pray about it." But I have to express I'm not really sure what "The next right thing means" and I do know "This too will pass" but what about right now? And of course I have "Prayed about it." I sometimes feel like I'm in a sound proof room and praying my heart out and I am still not being heard. I get this awful feeling I have been duped at times. Is everything really happening at random and life appears to be going as it should and then suddenly it comes to a screeching halt and there isn't a continuation to the chapter I'm on?
I dont want to believe that I do not have any control in my life. I believe that God gave me choices and options in life. I can't just sit back and say okay God what next? I don't believe "IT" cares anymore than I care about what my son is doing out on the playground when he is playing with his friends. He has freedom of choice to do what he wants when he's out there playing just like I have freedom of choice to live my life as I see fit. There is no big plan that God has set out for me. I don't believe he works that way.
I do however, see how I can get stuck and maybe that is the lesson I am I am trying to teach myself. That I have to reach out and do more and act on instinct more than I have.
I'm putting this on my blog today because I feel like I need to "Air my frustration" and somehow release it from me. I am Grateful that I am sober. I have no desire to go back to a life that was so not good for me. Of course I get the insane thinking of perminant solutions, but that is caused by a feeling of hopelessness. I am Grateful that I can label my issues "Fear and Frustration" and I will find a way to get through, over, under or around what I am experiencing.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Kindness. I'm Grateful to have the forethought that I can choose to be kind to everyone I encounter.
Being An Example. Through my way of living, love that I experience in my life and the power of my higher power.
Patience. I'm Grateful that I am trying to be. I'm not there yet, but it's a process.
Today. I'm just Grateful to have a beautiful day ahead of me and to experience what unfolds.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Trying to walk through Fear. I'm told that it's a mile high and a mile wide but paper thin. That may be true but I think it has jagged edges and can hurt to get through it. It appears my whole life right now is about facinig my fears. I'm Grateful that I am willing to face my fears painful or not. I would have never made the effort before I was sober.
Being Grateful. There was a time in my life I never even stopped to be Grateful. I would just complain about my life and how it sucked and nothing went my way and poor me. Today I am able to stop and just be thankful for the air I inhale, the healthy body I have and the peace and serenity that I experience. Even when I have those moments of thinking life sucks I pause and realize I am Grateful. It brings me back to a point that I know that i am provided for.
Blogging. It really helps me peel back the layers of myself. It helps me stop and look at my life. It's a daily routine of me looking at my Gratitude. I like to blog because it exposes me and my fears, feelings, hopes and dreams. It allows me have the strength of writing and expressing myself without the care of others seeing what I am going through. It lets me see I am not alone and others are experiencing life much as I do.
YouTube. I'm going to go wake up my son and crawl into bed with him. We like to watch YouTube on my iPod Touch in the mornings as he wakes up. The other day we watched people riding on roller coasters and laughed our asses off so hard that tears were rolling down our faces.
The picture below is an idea of how to reuse vodka bottles. they must be very proud.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I'm okay right where I am. I'm Grateful to realize today that I don't have to have all the answers and if I'm confused it's okay, it will work out. I have to realize that everything is a process and it will come in due time, whatever "it' is.
Meditation. I'm Grateful to be able to let go and just listen for 5 to 10 minutes. There was a time that 30 seconds was too long. Some days are easier than others.
Dreams aren't real. I had this very odd dream about people committing suicide and it was all a matter of course. There were about 6 of them, one of them my father and a few other relatives, whom I don't recall who they were. It seemed to be in my house and very planned and organized. I was very Grateful to wake up from that dream.
Photography. I am Grateful on a daily basis I never know where, what or who I will be shooting.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Early Morning Meeting. I love when I can get away and go to the early 6:30 a.m. meeting. It's small and intimate and you always get to share.
Just letting Go. I'm Grateful that I am willing to try and let go.
Being Drug Free. I'm Grateful this morning that even with the frustrations in my life, I have absolutely no desire to use drugs.
My Son. I never thought I would end up being a parent. I love that at 9 years old and almost 100 pounds he still wants to craw into my lap and cuddle in the morning.
My Partner. He grounds me to see what is real even when I don't want to look at it.