We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
My friend Dave suggested that I might want to write about Step One. I have gotten to the point that my Gratitude writing was just the action of writing things down and grasping for new feelings I was having a hard time putting my finger on.
First I need to point out that I am really Grateful for so much, everyday. Family, friends, pets, a home, food, health, etc.
Back to Step One. My life became so powerless from drugs and alcohol. I removed the chemicals and found Gratitude. But that hasn't seemed to make my life any more manageable. I have no desire to live the chemical life again. To me it's like learning to drive the speed limit. If I stay within the speed limit the chances of me having a major accident or killing someone else or myself are less. But that doesn't mean the road isn't full of potholes and bumps and that it's any more comfortable to drive down. To me it seems like I can feel the car slamming down into the potholes a little harder and it makes a louder noise as I drive into it.
Manageability. That's what has me by the throat. I'm stuck in the spot that I can't move from. I know what I have to do. If you broke me down into body, mind and soul two out of the three know what to do. It's my mind that I can't seem to get to let go and live.
For the most of the last 3 months I feel like I am stuck in this place I can't move. I'm told to fake it till you make it. I know that I need to give away what I want. I believe that what you believe and tell yourself is what is. That's where I can't manage my life. I know I need a positive attitude, which I have superficially, but deep down inside I have this negative track that runs out of control. That is what I can't let go of, and let GOD or whatever that power is release me. It's as if I am waiting to shut down and be rebooted.
Unmanageably to me is the negative self talk that never stops. As I look at it now it's as if I am addicted to that way of thinking. I have done it my whole life. 51 years of thinking this way is starting to wear me out.
I hope by writing this it shows others that we all suffer in our own secret ways. Alcohol and drugs were merely a symptom of what our true issues are. I can see how life was much more easier and painless when I was drugging and drinking. Being sober is a double edged sword. We have to feel the pain of life without any way of running from it. But, as I said in the beginning of this post I have learned to be Grateful on a daily basis which I never did before.
I will continue to search for my peace and serenity. I know that I have to experience what I have to experience and I am right where I am suppose to be. I don't like where I am and I want to control the journey I am on. But I realize my soul has an agenda that it needs to experience and I can't take control of the the steering wheel, I have to go alone for the ride. No matter how many potholes I have to slam through.
Egg Salad Days
3 days ago