"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
I have always loved this prayer. I have been using it for about 16 months. I remember the first time I saw it I was in rehab as I opened my big book and it shouted out at me. It was exactly about me. It was what I needed to hear.
But amazingly I still have days where I can't get past myself. I get stuck in the middle of me and I can't let go. May people offer antidotes like "Do the next right thing" and "This too will pass" and "Pray about it." But I have to express I'm not really sure what "The next right thing means" and I do know "This too will pass" but what about right now? And of course I have "Prayed about it." I sometimes feel like I'm in a sound proof room and praying my heart out and I am still not being heard. I get this awful feeling I have been duped at times. Is everything really happening at random and life appears to be going as it should and then suddenly it comes to a screeching halt and there isn't a continuation to the chapter I'm on?
I dont want to believe that I do not have any control in my life. I believe that God gave me choices and options in life. I can't just sit back and say okay God what next? I don't believe "IT" cares anymore than I care about what my son is doing out on the playground when he is playing with his friends. He has freedom of choice to do what he wants when he's out there playing just like I have freedom of choice to live my life as I see fit. There is no big plan that God has set out for me. I don't believe he works that way.
I do however, see how I can get stuck and maybe that is the lesson I am I am trying to teach myself. That I have to reach out and do more and act on instinct more than I have.
I'm putting this on my blog today because I feel like I need to "Air my frustration" and somehow release it from me. I am Grateful that I am sober. I have no desire to go back to a life that was so not good for me. Of course I get the insane thinking of perminant solutions, but that is caused by a feeling of hopelessness. I am Grateful that I can label my issues "Fear and Frustration" and I will find a way to get through, over, under or around what I am experiencing.
Talking about this stuff is very important. My experiences tell me so. So does my sponsor.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the 3rd Step Prayer. My wife and I share it each morning, along with the 7th Step Prayer and the Promises. Along with prayer, really feel like it gets the day off to a good start.
ReplyDeleteThe next right thing for today was probably to post these frustrations. It's the journey and it gets bumpy at times. We just keep on walking along our path.
ReplyDeleteI bet you get some relief soon.
I think that I have a heart, brain and conscience for a reason. And I need to use them. God is everywhere around me and in every person--an omnipresent energy to me. At least that is the God of my understanding. I need to do my part though and not just sit back and wait.
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