Tuesday, November 16, 2010

You have no idea.

A friend of mine and I were talking about being sober and clean. I had no idea while I was in the midst of of my addition to see the clarity that I gained being sober and clean.

I'm not talking about not putting something in your body for a week or a month. I'm talking about really cleaning your system out and truly gaining a clear head. You really do have to let the fog rise and see with different eyes.

It's amazing for me to see how my moods, my judgment, my out look on life has really changed by not being colored by chemicals that don't belong in my system.

I hated work so I would wake up first thing in the morning and start smoking weed at 4:30 in the morning. I would then have coffee and a Xanax to prepare to go to the office. Once I was in the office my focus was to get out of there as quick as I could so I could smoke more weed. Because of the uncomfortable dynamics of the office I would pop another Xanax to alleviate the emotional pain that I was feeling. As I look back now I understand how much of the anxiety and pain I was feeling was generated by me. I also can see now that the environment I was in wasn't the healthiest either. I worked in a place that instead of truly dealing with their employees in a respectful professional way they choose to look the other way and ignore as much as possible because they didn't want to deal with the real issues at hand. To this day I hear most of the employees are very unhappy there. But I digress.

My life has changed so much for the better once I decided that a sober clean life really is the answer. I also had to acknowledge that there is something out there, bigger than myself. The world doesn't revolve around me. I do have a say in how I am going to live my life. I am no longer just letting life happen , I am participating in the decisions that affect my life. I am able to make good, sound decisions for myself. Yes, I still screw up, but I have learned to not take myself or anything too serious. To me that is the secret to a serene life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Drink, drugs, no thank you

It has been an interesting week. It has been a week of looking at my self and others and comparing them to me. I like where I am and I want to stay on the path that I am on.

I am grateful to have the experience of seeing messy drunks and loving that I choose not to be that way. Not even one drink. I don't like how I feel during and after the experience.

I am grateful that when I run into the same homeless people I see on a daily basis that it reminds me that I was thinking that could be an option for me when I was in the peak of my drug and alcohol usage. I remember thinking all I would have to do was take off, disappear and no one would really care. Life would be that much more easier. It just goes to show how diluted my thinking became.

I am grateful when I see friends that use and think it's a normal way of life. It's funny how I could can get caught up into thinking that a little weed here, a few pills here a cocktail here is normal for everyday life. But I have learned it is not. I have come to realize how blurry my thinking was. How I always felt pity for me and I wanted everyone to feel the same for me. I was focused on me in a very wrong way. I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities as a parent. I wasn't taking responsibility in my job. I wasn't being the partner I needed to be. I wasn't focused on a higher power that I believed would work for me. I had expectations but they were for everyone else and how they should care and look at me. It was pour me. I lived for the pity party.

But today I have a very different view of me and my life. I try to be of service in someway to others. I do try to lead by example. I try to pick kindness over bitchiness. It doesn't always work, but it is in the forefront of my thinking. I chose to let people in that cut me off in traffic. I choose to help someone when it seems like they need help. I give money to people on the street that seem like they really need it. I am more aware of choosing kindness than I ever have been. And it pays me back in ways I never thought I would feel. It makes me feel good in my heart.

There is enough drugs or alcohol that can do that.

Have a great week.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I am not sure what to write about today, but I do know this.

I love my life,
I love my family,
I love my God,
I love how far I have come,
I love the surprise of the journey ahead of me.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

Friday, October 29, 2010

To write or not to write?

I have been missing my blogging. I enjoy just writing what is on my mind and putting it out there not caring what kind of response I get. It is the pleasure of expressing myself without expectation. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the comments and knowing that my words help others relate in their own lives. But I like the fact that my verbiage comes from me first to help me and then a domino affect on readers who find they have the same experiences.

These last few months have been a big change for me. My job, my home, I stopped going to meetings, family issues have changed. But what I have noticed most is my spirituality has grown exponentially and so has my happiness. I have learned that I am able to handle what is dealt me. That I have no control except for what actions I take. How I deal with something and what emotions I decide to let loose all predict how my day will go.

I do know that my spirituality and my sobriety are my main priorities on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. It I keep those in check the rest of my life stays in check.

I still have that feeling that there is something big I am suppose to be doing with my life but I don't quite know what that is, or who knows, maybe I am doing it and don't know it?

So I continue on with my life spreading a smile and happiness as often as I can. I try to be aware of what I can do for others when I feel I should take action. I don't always think I need to take action but need to observe and take notice I pay attention to how I react to the moment and I try to start over if I am heading in the wrong direction. I have concluded in my life that I have the power in the day to control it and allow how good a day I will have.

Location:Portland St,Houston,United States

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Time goes by

I have to say that I haven't had a lot of down time. I start my mornings at around 5:30 am and I don't get to crawl into bed until midnight. I am not complaining. But it makes time fly so fast.

It's hard to believe we are pushing into the middle of October. The year just started the day before yesterday. I hate the thought of the holidays just around the corner. I can't believe that my baby is going to be 10 next month.

I digress. Since all the issues with my house it seems like I am going, running, doing every minute of the day. I have so much to take care of it seems that there is no end in sight. Working for my partner has made it that much more difficult to find down time.

But I have to say I am fortunate to have such high class problems. I have more than one roof over my head, I have food on my table and I want for nothing. I could use a little more sleep but I have a loving family, my spirituality and my sobriety.

I am fortunate to know that I can no longer do drugs and drink. I am lucky to be able to look at my family and know that I will not put them through that again. I do not like who I become. Neither do they.

I am so fortunate.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Settling in

We finally moved into our apartment and what a nice relief that is. Living in a hotel for 6 weeks is nice at first but is a pain in the ass after a while. I missed my kitchen and cooking. Eating out at restaurants gets old real fast.

This year has been a major experience in change. Nothing is the same as it was a year ago and that is okay. My job is different, my home is different. The two major things that cause stress on your body have happened to me. This year has been learning to roll with whatever happens.

I am glad that I am not drugging and drinking. I can see if I was I would be a mean mess. I have learned that I can't ever go back to that life style again. If I did all my fears and negative qualities would become me. I have learned that being sober and clean for me allows me to realize the untruths I tell myself and stay away from them by acknowledging my negative thinking.

I have made a lot of changes in my life. I have changed routines in my life that left me frustrated. I am working on getting fit and finding new outlets. I am at a point where I have given up the thinking I can't and have focused on the I cans.

I am grateful for my life and all I experience.

Location:W Dallas St,Houston,United States

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happy Where I Am

Today I can't ask to be more grateful for where I stand today. I have been sober and clean for just over 2 years. I feel in the last few months things have gotten where I understand myself better. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. That was a really big problem for me. Actually it wasn't about taking me seriously, but everything in my life seriously.

I think today I realize I have no real control of the things I worry about. I never stopped to recognize that everything, and I mean everything works out in the end. You can't stop it, because everything has an end.

So life is crazy and happy. We are moving into an apartment this weekend. We are going to have to gut our house and we are going to have a big lawsuit. I could look at all of this and say, "Where are we going to get the money to pay for another place." "How long could this go on?" "What if we don't win?"

But as I have recently learned to do is pretend I am on a roller coaster and throw my hands in the air. You can't jump off and you have to wait for the end.

I am thankful for my spirituality that is teaching me to get through life on a day to day basis. If I just take it moment to moment, step by step I know I can handle anything.

Location:MD Anderson Blvd,Houston,United States

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The kindness of others

As I rounded the corner of the block behind the hotel I am staying in, I saw a sight that gave me goosebumps. A policeman was down at eye level, speaking to, I assume, a homeless man. I was coming up from behind them. But it was so obvious to me that the policeman was being kind to that man. He was trying to help him. All the fellow had was a shirt, shorts and a pair of shoes. He looked lost and child like. He didn't look well and there was an obvious concern by the policeman. Then the policeman got up to go to his car, the man shook his hand I think the policeman was going to call someone and the little guy asked him if he was going to leave him? The policeman said, "no, I will wait until he comes to get you."

It just made me feel good to see kindness on the street first thing in the morning. It made me think that I needed to put myself out there more for others.

I am grateful to carry this positive feeling through my day and to realize I have nothing to complain about.

Do you ever witness positive actions by others that affect you and make your day?

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Perks to my job

On a day to day basis I never really know where my job will take me or what I will be doing.

Today I was fortunate enough to have to go to Galveston to file a foreclosure notice and post it. Take advantage of the moment I say.

Since the hurricane Hermine was in the gulf I wanted to check out the waves in Galveston. The breeze is beautiful and the salt air feels good on my sinuses.

I am thankful to be alive on this beautiful day. I am grateful I am clean and sober and my life is great even with all the crazy mold issues with my house.

Let me know what you're grateful for?

Location:Seawall Blvd,Galveston,United States

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A relaxing weekend

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend to do get a few things done. I am hoping to clean my sailboat which deserves a cleaning from top to bottom. It's located 60 miles away and it has been ignored for a year. We are expecting a slight cool front that should allow for us to wash away the dirt and not sweat to death while we are doing it.

With fall around the corner It will make for good sailing weather. My son is at a good age to start learning. I haven't sailed in so long I am going to have to get my sea legs back.

Typically when we sail I play the part of Gilligan and my partner is Skipper. The only difference is when we go out for a three hour tour, we come back. (I have also been known to play Maryanne, Ginger, the Professor and both of the Howells!).

We sail on Lake Conroe which is a small lake in Montgomery, Texas. We have been enjoying Conroe since 1989. The lake was created in 1973. It reminds us of a lot of little lakes in central New York.

I am grateful to be at the start of my Labor Day weekend and I wish for everyone to have a safe holiday weekend.

Location:McKinney St,Houston,United States

Thursday, September 2, 2010


All I can say is "I'm Grateful". I am grateful for what I have and the experiences I will have today. I am thankful for my health and sobriety. I am thankful for my family and friends and their health and well being as well.

I have been so busy from the moment I get up until I get in bed at 11 at night. I am in constant pain, but I am glad to be alive and grateful that it is bearable.

Today I will smile at my day and look for the gifts I receive and fortunate to be able to acknowledge them. My attitude is what colors my day.

It's a beautiful day.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Insurance Limbo

Here I am moving into the third week of being displaced from my home. Talk about having to let go and let things happen. If this isn't an exercise in having absolutely no control and having to learn to be patient and let things work out on their own, I don't know what is.

I am at the mercy of an in insurance adjuster. Nothing is moving forward. We had air conditioning installed in our house in April and it created so much humidity in the ventilation system that I had to remove gallons of water out of the ceiling in the down stairs part of my house. Mold is growing out of many of the vents and in closets and build-in dressers. Yet they want to check to see if there is a plumbing leak. We have ask for documentation on our policy and we are still waiting for it. Why this cat and mouse game. I know it's about money, but as far as my partner the lawyer can see, we have peril that is covered!

Gratefully, they are still paying for our meals and hotel. I am not a patient person. I want to jump through the phone and cause bodily harm to anyone in my path. I have a difficult time with people not seeing the obvious. But I am seeing there is a reason to be calm and patient.

I am grateful that I have learned to pause and to take a breath. I am grateful that I have a family that has been there to help us out during this stressful time. It's true, you do see who is there for you in times of need. I appreciate their connection in my life.

So onward with my (our) adventure because I am glad that I don't need to drink or drug over it. I am glad to see how much I have changed and what I can handle. It's all about my attitude and how I want to approach it.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Picking up change

A few weeks ago a friend and I were walking to our parking garage and she found a penny on the ground and picked it up. I was surprised she picked it up because I do the same thing. Then the conversation started about finding change and how much she finds every year. I nearly dropped my change when she told me she finds anywhere from $15.00 to $30.00 bucks a year. That's not including the bills she finds. I think she has found something like a $150.00 bucks this year. She and her husband have an annual competition to see who finds the most.

That got me thinking that I should keep track of my changed as well. So far since a few weeks ago I am up 5 cents. (By the way cents are so unimportant the iPad doesn't even have the symbol to use it. )

This weekend I have found 3 pennies and my son found one. I now walk looking down and ignoring all pedestrians, street lights and cars crossing my path, the hunt is on.

I was told by the experts in coin recycling that parking garages are an excellent place to retrieve lost economy. When I have the time after a Friday/Saturday night I am going to park at the top of my parking garage and work my way down just for the fun of it. I look at it as I will be working my lower portion of my body as well as funding my son's college fund. (He's 9 and wants to go to Rice University).

There are people out there who do not believe it's worth picking up a penny. All I can say is you go ahead and leave it, I'll pick it up. My OCD is kicking into over drive and I am obsessed with the ground and what I can find on it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I love my dogs

I have to say my dogs and taking them for a walk is a source of good medicine for me. After an hour and fifteen minute walk to the dog park at Discovery Green I am so much more relaxed.

We are working through a stressful situation with our house that seems like we are stuck in limbo at the moment. We are at the very beginning stages trying to be patient and let the insurance company go through their process. It wouldn't be so be bad if we knew where we stood as far as coverage and what losses will be covered.

I love that when I get overwhelmed that those cute little dogs are able to take a lot of the weight away. It's really great to be able to share a walk with them, release some of their pent up energy from being locked in a stinky house all day. We are good for each other.

I don't have a real point to my blog except I am grateful to have my dogs in my life. They came together by luck, but I have never seen such love between two very different breeds. It's a lot of fun to watch the puppy Maggie (3 months old) growing up with Karl the dachshund (4yrs). I think she thinks he's her mother.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Good hard laughs

There is nothing like having a good hard belly laugh to start your day. It can keep you centered and happy all day.

My son and I started a tradition of watching YouTube videos first thing in the morning as he is waking up. We started watching them on my iPod Touch but have since moved to the iPad. (by the way two of my most loved pieces of technology!).

Being that my son is 9 (almost 10) we did a search in YouTube on farts. We happened on Graham Norton's "funniest fart scene ever" only to fine tears rolling down our faces first thing in the morning. What a great way to start the day with your kid! I am so fortunate that I can still relate to being 9 and to have a kid that has the same sense of humor that I have. We love to find things that make us laugh as hard as we can.

I am so grateful to have this wonderful being in my life. From the day he was born I felt like I have known him my whole entire life. I look forward to many more years of uncontrollable laughter the two (and three) of us will have together.

I hope you get your belly laugh today and every day.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Self Doubt

I find it truly amazing how much I doubt my ability to do anything. I don't know if it's fear or that little voice that was instilled a long time ago?

Everything I have done today I fine myself thinking I can't do what ever task is at hand only to find I CAN do it with ease.

I think I haven't been making the effort lately that I have in the past to ignore those ridiculous loops of negativity.

If I don't pay attention to my thoughts I easily can get lost in ridicule, self doubt and self hating faster than you can flick a switch. I Can get wrapped up so deeply in my negativity, that I forget all the great and wonderful gifts of life that I posses that I live out my day as a failure. I know I am more than I believe. I like who I am and I want to to be just as kind to me as I try to be to others.

So hear I am today to publicly say that I know I am good at a lot of things and I will once again start to make a better effort to ignore that evil, negative voice that has no business trying to run my life.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Time To Move On

When is it okay to look the other way from people you know? This is an individual that I just don't have common ground with anymore. We were close many years ago, but it has been a long, long time. Their unhealthy life style also plays a big factor in it as well. I have blatantly chosen to end the quasi friendship if you want to call it that.

Doing this has a double edged sword to it. On one hand I feel bad, only because I really don't want anything to do with them. I am trying to be as kind and respectful by not throwing any judgment or my junk onto them. My issues are none of their business as well as their way of living and being is none of mine. The flip side is not having to hear the drama and drawn out conversations that only make me wish I could have ended the conversation 30 minutes sooner.

I am a true believer that people flow in and out of my live for experiences I need to have. Here are the questions I ask myself. When I end the relationship does that mean I have experienced what I need? Is there more to follow? Is it not over till it's over or do I have control over that?

I realize in the big picture I do not have control of anything. But I do believe I can have a say in my experiences. I can't tell you how many times I have had control of things that did make my life better. It was the actions, thoughts and ideas I started that made the change. It moved me out of a bad place and into a better one. I don't believe my life has any pre-defined path I follow. Every step sets a new experience.

Location:Louisiana St,Houston,United States

Monday, August 23, 2010

An Enlightening Walk in the Dark

Isn't odd how shedding a little light on something makes all the difference in the world? I find it amazing when I walk the dogs in the morning and it's still dark outside how creepy and scary the people seem on the corner of Dallas and Main. Yet as I walk by I hear a pleasant voice wish me good morning. The dark can make anything seem unsafe and unfriendly. I realize you have to be safe and be on guard, this is a city with all walks of life. But it's the realization of how much of that fear is generated by me. During the day I can walk by that same corner in the bright sunlight and I don't have half the thoughts about my safety as I do when the sun is set.

As I walk in the dark I am so aware of the tricks I play on myself. My awareness of how much my mind plays games on me is heighten and I can see how I can hold myself back. It makes me realize that as I go about my day I am not fortunate enough to have something as simple as the darkness to make me notice I am generating the fears I have throughout the day. I am not keenly aware that the negative fearful thoughts I am having are self induced. As I walk through my day my sense of self heightened awareness seems to decrease and I am not as sensitive as to what I can do to myself.

Today I will continue through my day grateful as I can be. I will be more cognizant of what I can do for myself in a positive way and aware of how destructive crippling thoughts can be if I don't pay attention to what I tell myself.

Location:Fannin St,Houston,United States

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Routines, chicken bones and gratefulness

I'm trying to get into a routine living away from my home. Being the control freak that I am I have to have constant order or I get nuttier than I am. I am the type of person who has to do the same thing every day, eat the same things habitually for months at a time. Can you say OCD!? I haven't found the exact routine I am looking for but sanity is slowly breaking through.

I am learning how difficult it is to have dogs living in a downtown urban area. I never realized how little green space there is for a dog to drop a duce and pee. I have to walk at least 4 block in any direction to find a place for the dogs to feel comfortable letting go. The great thing is I end up at Discovery Green (http://www.discoverygreen.com/), there is a dog park and lots of open space. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable rain that is not always fun to be out in, let alone trying to force a couple of K9's to do what normally comes naturally.

A major hazard of living downtown with two dogs that I never expected was chicken bones. I mean not one or two, but hundreds! They are scattered on the side walks like rice after a wedding. There is nothing like walking your dogs in a half sleep stupor to suddenly have to wrestle them on the sidewalk to pull a chicken bone from their mouths. Nothing could make me puke faster than a wet bone from a dogs mouth that was in someone else's mouth! I shudder just thinking about it.

So on this Sunday morning I am grateful for all I have. I know I am taken care of, food in my belly and a place to sleep. I thank God that I have another day to walk on the planet and to enjoy my partner, son, and dogs and everyone else who crosses my path today.

Location:McKinney St,Houston,United States

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Happy 2 Years to Me!

Well here I am sitting in Starbucks at 7:30 am in the morning and my life is so different than it was two years ago. I have never been happier. I love where I have ended up and I am grateful everyday. I was not grateful on a daily basis back then, but I have learned that is the first thing I need to be to set my day on the right path.

To give you a little insight where I am right now my life is in total upheaval and I am thankful and smile, even laugh at it through the day. I ended up having health issues that I will need to deal with for the rest of my life. Nothing serious, but enough to be a nuisance. We have been moved out of our house and can't move back from what it looks like for 3 or 4 months because of super high humidity and mold. It is a little unsettling when things get out of control.

However, the three of us and the two new dogs are letting go and let who ever has my our backs have complete control. It's fun to see on a daily basis what is going to happen next.

My house and the condition it is in has been an issue withe me and I have been wanting to take care of it. It appears something didn't think I was moving fast enough. And decided to take it over. All I can say my prayers have been answered.

I am hoping that I will be back into blogging again. I have been looking at things in my life and I have been making changes. I will continue to blog about my sobriety but also about how I am learning to make changes in my life and the experiences I have. I am realizing that I am the force that keeps stopping me. I am learning that when things don't workout for me that what I was expecting wasn't really what was suppose to happen because it wasn't really what I wanted. There is no definition in my life. My energy directs my path. I think in the long run I do know what I want, it's a matter of do I want to admit it to myself or not.

I have missed blogging and my blogging friends. I look forward to trying to get my blog groove back.

Have a great day, I know I will.

Location:Lamar St,Houston,United States

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July 14, 2010

Today I am Greatful for:

Karl and Maggie. Ina will be missed but she made way for two rescuses that were in need of a loving home. I am Grateful I am able to provide for them and to feel the love in our house that flows through my family.

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

July 11, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Knowing we are all the same. I know this and sometimes I forget to practice it. I do pretty good most of the time. I do pretty good about seeing people with less than me and realizing they have the same kind of soul on the inside as I do. I have a more difficult time with people that have more than they should. The ones that feel they can't socialize with just anyone and have to feel they run in a different class. This is a hard nut for me to swallow. I find myself more prejudice towards them if they give off the sense of being entitled. I am Grateful that today I will look to everyone, no matter what they think their status is life and try not to judge them and know that we are all the same.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

July 8, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Where I am Today. Everyday I look at myself and I just can't believe I am where I am today. I am so Grateful that I stop everyday and I have Gratitude in my day for what I have, what I can be, and what I can do for others. I have learned to take life as it's pitched to me.

One of the biggest things I have learned being sober and clean is that I still have an emotional life. But I don't stay in those moments very long. Some of those emotions I need to experience. Some of them I have to stop and think, do I really need to go there with what I am feeling and I let it go. I also take the time to think about how I am going to handle things. I never did that in the past.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

July 6, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

A New Day. It's so great to realize that life goes on and the only choice you have is to move forward no matter what your situation is. In the past I would have stayed in my misery. Today I know better. Like a good solider, I march foward.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Ina. She was a wonderful part of our family. She will always be remembered on the 4th of July, she was a kind sweet dog. We had to put her down today. She was very sick from gallbladder mucoceles. It came on quick before we could do anything about it.

Friday, July 2, 2010

July 2, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:
My Partner's Birthday. I am so Grateful he was born. We have such a great life together. Even with the ups and downs through our relationship. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is so supportive of my recovery. We have created a wonderful family together.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

July 1, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Loosing my Fear. I really didn't notice until this morning how much of my fear has gone away. I still have minor fear because I don't believe you really loose it all. But for the most part, I haven't thought about fear in my life for a few months. I have finally gotten to the point that I was being told will happen. It's what I have learned through AA that has gotten me to where I am today. I am so Grateful that I have found a program that is applicable to every part of my life.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June 30, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Staying Stopped. I am so Grateful that I don't start up my bad habits. I'm Grateful that I have continued to have the strength to not want to go back to my old ways of drugging and drinking. I have 0% desire to do so. I am asked if I miss a drink or letting loose now and then? For the first time in my life I can say no, I don't miss the use of drugs and alcohol. I have learned to let loose without them, I'm more real now than I was then. Life has gotten so much better. I would miss the way my life has changed for the better and how I handle it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

June 29, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My Spirituality, my recovery and that I think of it on a daily basis, AA, my family - I'm one of the fortunate people that has all kinds of family, friends - even the ones I don't know what to do with, my talents - learning how to focus on them more, a home, choices and learning to pick the right one, another day on the planet.

Monday, June 28, 2010

June 28, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

I am more aware of my thoughts and actions. There is a side to being sober and clean that sometimes can be different than when I was living obliviously. I seem to be more aware of situations and judgments. I try to be kind before I chose to be an asshole. This sometimes make a situation more difficult because I want to be kind. By being kind I chose to ignore the situation. I know I will eventually come to the right answer as to how to deal with the situation. I am Grateful today that I am gentle with my words.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

June 27,2010

Today I am Grateful for:

A really wonderful sober and clean weekend.

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 26, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Spending a wonderful weekend with my family.

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Friday, June 25, 2010

June 25, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My continued desire to stay sober and clean. There was a time in my life I never thought about how wonderful life is to NOT do drugs and drink. Today that is always in the forefront of my thoughts. It's also very present when I am around other people deep in their alcohol and drug addictions. It really amazes me that today I seem like two different people. I am so Grateful for the way my life has turned out before it was too late.

In Houston it's Pride weekend. I'm sad that we are going to miss the parade. My son always comes home with a couple pounds of beads! Have a safe weekend.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

June 24, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Peace and Serenity. I am so Grateful that I feel like I am at peace with so many things in my life. I have the occasional weird thoughts. But today I know they are passing thoughts that I don't seem to focus and dwell on. In the past I would ruminate about issues in my life that I couldn't control for days at a time. Today I have learned what I can control by my own hand. This keeps me peaceful and serene.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Seeing the change in me. I've really been noticing lately that I can see how my attitude about myself and about others has changed. I'm seeing that when I look at others I try not to be as judgemental as I use to be. I try to look at them and think that they have the same soul as I do on the inside, no matter what their outside may look like. Sometimes even by what my outside might look like. I'm also realizing that if I have an issue with someone I don't always think that way and I'm learning to stop myself and see I'm being judgemental.

Being sober and clean has made me a better person towards others. I don't feel so much that it's them against me. I make the effort to be as kind as I can. I'm not perfect and I still have times where I have to catch myself. But as the book says, it's progress not perfect. I apply this to everything in my life.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22, 2010

Today I am Grateful For:

So much I don't know where to begin, so I'll just make a list. For whatever reason I stopped blogging. My life has changed a bit and my blogging took a back seat. Thank goodness I never forget to be Grateful every day. But it makes my life better when I write it down.

Today I am Grateful for:

My life, my sobriety, my family and friends. I'm Grateful for my sober friends, no one gets me like they do, my new job (who knew working with my partner could be so gratifying), my photography, my blogging friends, my faith in a higher power, a roof over my head and way too much food to eat, my ability to stop and just appreciate versus looking at the negative in my life.

Life is good and I am fortunate to share it with so many people and what I learn every single day.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

June 2, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My Spirituality. The last few days I have been so Grateful that I have spirituality where there once was none. My views on life are totally different today than they were almost 2 years ago. I'm not talking about being an over the top religious fanatic. I'm talking about not believing I am the center of the universe. It's about us all being connected somehow. It's about us all being one. We may not all be on the same journey at the same time but we are going in the same direction towards learning, experiencing and remembering. To me, no matter where you come from, what God you believe in, what part of the world you have grown up in we are all on the same quest.

I am so Grateful that I am sober clean from alcohol and drugs. I had no idea life could be what it is today. I am thankful that I am one of the fortunate ones to have my life before it ended too short.

Friday, May 28, 2010

May 28, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Yesterday. My partner and I celebrated 26 years together. He has been such a positive person in my life over the years. I am so Grateful to have such a wonderful family.

You know what I am Grateful for? My sobriety, partner, son, parents, siblings, nieces, nephew, great niece, friends, pets, work, home, food, opportunity, beautiful mornings, past, present and whatever comes my way.

Have a safe holiday weekend.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

May 26, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Proof. I am so Grateful that I have proof in my life that AA and the choice to be clean and sober has enriched my life. Today I can actually stand and do a 360 degree look at my life and all I can say is "Thank you God!"

To be able to see what my life was like. Living to be the center of the universe and wish my life was over. I was miserable, unhappy and left with a bitter taste in my mouth about my whole life. It wasn't what I expected it to be. Then to have someone tell me it's time for recovery and suggest that I go through re-hab and and that I take the suggestion to heart and do what I was told, get clean and sober. I looked at the similarities of everyone else in the program. And now I cannot believe how wonderful and happy my life is. Even when life's not exactly the way I want it to be, it's 100 times better than it was. I am learning that I can get through the uncomfortable things going on in my life and I can see I am in a better place. I can see the miracles of my life, something I never saw before.

Monday, May 24, 2010

May 24, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Being Happy. I am so Grateful that I am happy today. I am Grateful that I don't feel like I need to drink or drug to make my way through a party, a visit with family or friends that are difficult or situations that I feel it will help me loosen up. I've learned to do that all on my own without chemicals of any kind running through me.

Even if I am not having a great day I know I am still happy. Happy to be alive and willing. What more can I ask for?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

May 23, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My attitude of Gratitude. For the last 21 months I have learned to have an Attitude of Gratitude. Before becoming sober and clean I never was thankful for the simplest things. I am today. I'm Grateful for the joy I get watching people be kind to others. I'm Grateful to be able to look at the positive way my life is, versus the negative that I lived to dwell in. I'm Grateful for the love I see in my dog's eyes. I'm Grateful to see a family where I never thought that there would be one. I'm Grateful for the sober friends that I have that helped me get to this point. I'm Grateful for AA and to where it has lead me today. I'm Grateful that I am awake in my life. I am aware of all my actions and how they can play out. I am Grateful when I know that I am doing wrong and I can make it right. I am Grateful that my first action when dealing with others is to be kind and I strive to continue that even when a situation may seem to get uncomfortable. I am Grateful for my spirituality and where it has brought me today.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

May 22, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My life. It is really an adventure. I'm finally back in Houston. I love the city that I live and I appreciate the city I grew up in. They are definitely two different places and I can appreciate that. I'm glad to be where I chose to live today in Houston.

I am Grateful that I will be starting a new job on Monday. I will be working in my partner's law office. This will be interesting since I never imagined that we would be working together. Fortunately, my legal experience and my own talents will allow me to hopefully enhance his business. And then again, if it doesn't work out he can always fire me. :)

I'm feeling really Grateful for today and everyday. I'm Grateful for to be able to spend the day with my son on our own new adventure.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

May 19, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Meetings. I was fortunate to go to an NA meeting with a friend last night. I've been to 3 meetings in the week I have been here in Syracuse. It's nice to know I can go anywhere and find a meeting. I don't care if it's NA or AA, to me, the message is the same. Don't drink or drug and one day at a time. Sometimes, especially in the beginning it was more minute to minute and hour to hour for me.

Today I don't think of my drug and alcohol use as much as I use to. Getting a sponsor and knowing that I am working through the steps has actually help. My sponsor and I have a good relationship. I don't call him everyday, but I know he is there for me and I know he sort of knows where I am and what's going on. (He reads my blog.) Anyone who reads my blog knows what is going on in my life and what my issues are. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I really enjoyed sharing at the meeting last night. It's funny because I was in a room full of people I didn't know and their format is a bit different than what I am use to. But it was the same. I was there to hopefully shed some light on my addiction for a new comer that will hopefully make them want to come back, stay sober and want to go to another meeting. Sharing my experience, strength and hope is what it is about.

I leave today to return to Houston and I am actually looking forward to getting back to my routine. It has been an interesting experience returning to Syracuse clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for the first time in my life. Staying with my family has been an eye opener for me to see some of the issues I have had in the past and where I have learned them. I am Grateful that I feel stronger after this whole experience and I know that I am doing well. I'm not too well that I am cocky, but well enough that I know if I continue how I am going that I am going to be okay.

I am eternally Grateful for the freedom of my addictions.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May 18, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Just letting it happen. I am so Grateful for letting my life play it's course. I know ever time I try and plan it, it doesn't work out. Not that I get disappointed, but it never turns out the way I try to make it happen. If I have an expectation I can be sure it will turn out completely different.

I am Grateful today that I just let the roller coaster take me up the hill and the fast ride down. I'm willing to experience the thrill of the ride versus trying to fight it. It has a power all it's own and I am learning to know better that It's a ride I can't get off.

These last few months have been about work, family, my higher power and change. The experience of all of these have made me realize if I have no preconceived idea of what it should be like in the "Future" I am able to experience my life with less stress. I am able to sleep through the night and wake up and continue right in the spot I am without trying to look too far back and too far ahead.

I am Grateful I can live in serenity today.

Monday, May 17, 2010

May 17, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Understanding. The wonderful thing about being sober is the ability to look at yourself and see what you need to work on. I am Grateful that I know that I'm not done yet and I never will be. I'm Grateful to see that I can see the areas in my life that need to be worked on.

Being home in Syracuse has brought out some old issues that I can see have changed, yet still linger. I think family environments can snap you right back into old patterns of behaviors. If you aren't aware of it it can get out of control.

I am Grateful for the understanding of myself and my family to be able to take a moment and pause before I react. I never could have done that if I wasn't sober. My sobriety and the steps have helped me see how I need to be and how to act. It's a road map for a good life.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

May 16, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My Life. I'm so Grateful that I am visiting my family. I'm able to just sit back and look at everyone and appreciate who and what they are for exactly that. Nothing more. I'm not expecting them to be or do anything different other than what they are doing.

I feel like I am reading a novel and I have to laugh at some of the characters. I'm appreciating my parents and seeing why I am the way I am. (I can really see the genetics and how it plays a part in the way I am.)

I've never been more Grateful for my sobriety than today. I've actually gone to a couple of bars and can see what a mess people are from alcohol. My niece is a bar tender which is one of the reasons I ended up in a bar. I wanted clams since you really can't get them Houston. Where my niece works they serve them. My other niece who is 21 was with me and we sat at the bar to visit with my niece the bar tender. The fellow to the left of me was getting drunk and my nieces are both very beautiful girls. So he decided to buy shots for them and me because he wants to show his style to them. I kindly decline and tell him I don't drink. This fell then says to me, "Congratulations" shakes my hand and then says something about he should probably not be drinking. (He was right, it didn't seem like the place to do service work, he was a man about town at that moment.)

But I flashed back to the moments when I drank and slowly became louder and thought I was the cat's meow and how people must have thought I had it all. But to see the loudness, the slurriness, the lies that couldn't be kept straight in the simple conversations we are having as stool mates. It was a clarity for me that I was Grateful to have. It was knowing I was going to safely get into my car and drive home without a worry if I was pulled over. I was Grateful to know I would just wake up tired this morning and that is all. I was Grateful to know that most of the money I had in my wallet would still be there because I didn't have to end up feeling like I had to buy the whole bar drinks. I am Grateful because I could pray to God this morning about what I am Grateful for not to make me feel better and to get rid of a major headache or the guilt of some foolish act I may have committed.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

May 15, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Who I have become. Being in Syracuse is allow me to look back at myself and the way I was. Not only in Syracuse, but in the past 26 years. It has actually given me a meter to view my life. I can see how I am different from my family of origin, old friends, old habits.

I am so Grateful I can see today. I can see that I am willing to let go of the negativity that still lives in my family. I can see where it is generated from and I am able to tolerate it today. I am able to not pick up old habits by staying aware and Grateful.

I was able to walk into a bar to meet a friend I have had since I was 16. I was so Grateful to I didn't for a minute feel like having a drink, I enjoyed being sober. Then I was asked if I wanted to go to their house and visit, which to me was a better alternative to being in a bar. I was asked if I still smoked weed and I said no. (People don't see the connection in addiction.) On the 20 minute drive to their house I thought how is this going to play out. Are they going to smoke in front of me? I was Grateful to see that they didn't and we had a wonderful visit of old times and I didn't have to deal with it. I know that I would have to have left if it was smoked in the house in front of me because I know that would have been the jumping off point for me. But it was great to see that they respected me and it didn't appear and it never came up.

I am so Grateful for my Sobriety and the continued health and strength that I am gaining.

Friday, May 14, 2010

May 14, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My Sobriety. This morning I have so many topics I could write about but the most important topic that I am so Grateful for everyday is my sobriety. I look at myself this morning and I am proud of how far I have come. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't fallen on my ass and thought that there was no way out of it. Then I was shown that there is a better way and life is so much more richer than I ever expected it to be.

As I write this morning I have so much to be Grateful for:
  • My sobriety
  • My immediate family
  • My extended family
  • My sober friends
  • Lambda
  • Willingness
  • Creativity
  • Love
  • Serenity
  • and the list just keeps going on.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

May 13, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

Meetings. Last night I thought I would venture out to see what meetings were like here in Central New York. Being gay I thought I would see what the gay meetings were like in Syracuse. They refer to the meetings as "The boys in the band". I found where the meeting was held and head for downtown Syracuse.

I was early so I decided to venture around town to see what has changed and to take in the scenery. I drove around for about 40 minutes and saw in 26 years, not much had changed since I left. That is comforting and scary all at the same time. In Houston you have to be careful because things change over night.

I went to the church where the meeting was going to be held. I was early and I thought that it would be like Houston and I would be able to hang out and visit with people. Not exactly. They have to buzz the door to let you into the church. I was swept in following another man. As we entered a fellow who worked at the church said that the meeting was on the 4th floor, so I just followed along. To my surprised I ended up in a NA meeting. It was just fine that I ended up in an NA meeting because I have cross addiction. Thankfully, Houston's AA meetings cover all my issues. But this NA meeting was interesting to be a part of. It was a little frustrating that the members were not as respectful during the meeting because they would talk amongst themselves get up and talk to the chair person and cross talk. At the same time I enjoyed myself and just listened because the message was the same. The deep desire to stay clean. I was Grateful for where I was in my recovery and Grateful that my bottom was not as far down as some, many of these people in the room.

I listened for a while and then I realized that it was past the time that of the meeting I had intended on going to was started. I left the meeting and and asked where the "Gay" meeting was held and it was on the 3rd floor of the church. In the typical fashion of my fellow gays they had coffee brewing (the other meeting they were complaining that they didn't have a coffee pot because the pot kept getting stolen.) rainbow candles on the tables and a group of men that were just starting their meeting. I came in on cue just as they were asking if there was anyone visiting or new. I stated me name and city and claimed my seat.

It's interesting to see how different parts of the country hold their meetings. How comfortable we get in our ways and how simply changing things can affect us. To begin with they ask who has a topic and will continue to keep say, "who has a topic, anyone, anyone?" It was like you are on the Price is Right. Two people had a topic so they do both topics.

I enjoyed the meeting and being able to share. I also enjoyed seeing a couple of people I use to work with 26 years ago. I was Grateful that one person in particular was recovered for 5 years. When I last knew him, he could barely stand up half the time. He looked very, very good compared to where he was headed. I am Grateful to see the program works, no matter where I am.

The message last night from both meetings was this.

Take it moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour and one day at a time.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

May 12, 2010

Today I am Grateful for:

My Parents. I flew to see my parents and other family in Syracuse yesterday. I'll be visiting here for about 7 days. I'm going to try and help my brother out because he is the main care giver since I live in Texas. I'm going to do cleaning and cooking for parents and figure out if things are as bad as they seem from Texas.

I am so Grateful that I am sober and able to help. I'm already up and baking for them this morning. They eat food that isn't really the healthiest in my opinion. I'm glad I like to cook and hope to get my mom to gain a few pounds. I have to say, my family of origin is a scary experience.

The circle of life is very evident to me today. My father is turning into a child in many ways. Some of his mean and nasty attitude is subsiding. He has always meant well, but I can see where I get my anger issues. For the most part I am Grateful that I don't get mad and I just choose to walk away from those emotions when they arise. Generally I believe they come from feeling you don't have control in your life. Because of AA I have learned that I really don't need to try and control anything and things do work out if you just take a breath and let things play out. I'm not saying you have to be passive, you just have to learn what is the next best, logical move.

It's hard to believe that I was in 90 degree weather yesterday and today I'm sitting in 42 degrees. I love Texas!!! I enjoy being warm and freezing when I'm in the house.

Here's to you and me putting our best foot in front of the other all day long.