January 19, 2010

Today I am grateful for:

A Higher Power. It took me a trip to the emergency room and ending up in the cardiac unit of the hospital and severe depression that lead me to rehab to realize a power greater than myself was missing from my life. I was 49 years old and I was already on some kind of quest that I knew something was missing. I was interested in A Course in Miracles and was already being lead to spirituality. It was after I was out of detox and started participating in rehab that I learned that AA was a program of spirituality. I remember thinking, "Wait a minute, I think I need to leave now!" But I was at the end of my rope. I had tried everything else. I was someone who had just started to realize before my downfall that there had to be something out there to help me. But what? How much it would help me was beyond my capacity to understand. I am so grateful those thoughts were fleeting in rehab, and I continued with my recovery. I often realize now, that when I started to believe there was something bigger than myself out there, my eyes opened from a life that I felt like I was sleeping through. I gained direction.

Determination. I have a really strong sense of it today. I have been in my current career in the legal field for over 25 years. Two weeks ago I decided to leave the firm. I make a decent salary, but the environment was killing me. For the last 3 years I have been very unhappy. Causing me to be stuck in an emotional rut. By making that decision to leave has been the most empowering moment of my life. I am restarting my career as a portrait photographer. As every day passes to the end of the month when I leave, I am seeing someone I haven't seen in myself or possible have I ever known. I am seeing determination that has never lived in me. That is sobriety and faith as well as using the tools I have learned through AA.

Kindness. The kindness I have to give and the kindness that I receive. I work at giving it out everyday. I realize I drop the ball on occasion, but I make that my main motive throughout the day. At least on a face to face basis. I'm still working on expletives that come out of my mouth when bad drivers are around me. Even that isn't so often. But the most important person I am working on being kind to is myself. When I am kind to myself, I naturally start being kind to others.

Today. I'm really learning to appreciate every single day. When the day starts it's almost like going to see a good movie. I have no idea what it's about but it's always entertaining. I have a choice of how emotionally involved I want to get with it. Today is all I need to focus on, not yesterday and not tomorrow. One day at a time.